“You’re so afraid of doing things wrong.”
I didn’t speak for awhile. Tears stained my face. Then I laughed. He was right.
This was me a week ago, sitting and explaining every possible scenario where I might be rejected once school started again.
What if people on social media make fun of my articles?
What if my monologue is an ignorant choice and directors write me off as a bad actress?
What if I still feel awkward every time I walk into a class for my own major?
I am so afraid of doing things wrong.
There’s plenty of sources I can blame for this--if I want to. All the people who decided I was going to be successful. The teachers who handed me 800-page novels and accelerated spelling tests in the second grade. Directors who gave me lead roles in middle school musicals. The hours and hours and hours I’ve spent in every grade ensuring that whatever essay I’m writing is organized “correctly” (thesis, example, analysis, conclusion, repeat!). I learned early that performing exactly as instructed earns praise, accolades, and attention.
Now I’m learning that expressing my own thoughts and feelings earns something much more permanent.
Since college, I have a lot of people to thank for teaching me how to be okay with doing things “wrong.” And by doing things wrong, I mean taking the creative initiative at the risk of not being immediately praised and rewarded for it. A professor instructed me to write my final paper in any format and color and structure so long as I say what I actually mean. Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly proved to me that vulnerability makes for a fulfilling life. An Acting TA barked at me habitually to get out of my chair before I could worry about looking stupid.
A friend reminded me that failure is no big deal.
The college experience prompts you over and over again to make daring choices. If you’re anything like me, it’s enough to make you want to huddle under your comforter and stay there for the whole quarter. Maybe you’re there right now, paralyzed by the prospect of exposing yourself to criticism, laughter, and judgment. And uncomfortable emotions. Remember as you try to sleep: these are signs you probably spoke honestly, listened carefully, dared “greatly,” or loved openly. They might feel like mistakes, but you will know when you’re doing right by yourself.
So get some sleep this quarter, and make sure to mess up.
