It’s been years now, but do you think of that evening as often as I do? Do you remember me insistently repeating that I did not want to do anything with you? Do you recall pinning me against a wall, the sound of my sobbing in the kitchen when we returned home?
Well, I do.
Despite the fact that I had drank so much I could barely see straight, I remember that moment with crystal clarity. I can still feel the word “no” on my tongue, it crossed my lips countless times that evening but you ignored it. There’s nothing that’s bothered me quite as much as being ignored. I remember being infuriated as a child when others would pretend that they couldn’t hear me when I was standing right next to them- “Did you hear something? Maybe it was just the wind.” But this, this was certainly the one that out did all the other moments I’ve been ignored in my short life. Do you even view me as a person who feels? I can’t imagine you do, otherwise how would you be able to blatantly ignore my wishes repeatedly. For some reason though, I hope that I made an impression on you — stood out against the multitudes of faces, that I have not just blurred into your memory, that you feel some kind of remorse that keeps you awake at night. Or am I just another speck on the map of the countless others you’ve taken advantage of?
You must’ve known, long before I recovered my dignity enough to report what happened, that you had done something wrong. I avoided you like the plague. I never went to the other parties you invited me to. I couldn’t even wear that shirt again. It wasn’t until I found out that you had done this to others that I knew I had to speak up — I would not let anyone else fall victim to your lies.
Is this really how you believe seduction is supposed to work? Last I checked, if someone wants to have sex with you, you don’t have to feed them five drinks and then corner them in order to get them to do it. Although 91 percent of perpetrators of sexual assault report never having been assaulted themselves according to one study (Scully, 1990), one of your defenses was that you had been assaulted before. This astounds me — you know how it feels to be taken advantage of but you did it to multiple people anyways.
You’ve left me scarred in ways that I may never be able to overcome, given me psychological wounds that impact me daily. You’ve caused me to walk in fear every day that it could happen again. You drove me to drugs and alcohol; I’ve talked with countless therapists. You’ve taught me to trust no one. You were my friend, and you betrayed me. I don’t wish ill fates upon you, but I hope you know what you’ve done.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault or rape, you can call the national sexual assault telephone hotline 800.656.HOPE (4673) or +1 202.501.4444 internationally. They will connect you with a local representative who can provide you with support and resources.
