Loving an addict is really hard. It's even harder when it's your own brother.
Many people believe that addiction is a personal choice and a reflection of their weak morals. That is far from the truth - addiction is a disease, a very, very lonely disease. It changes a person, but it is important to keep in mind that being an addict is only one of layer them.
My brother, Tré Aric Billger, passed away on February 19th, 2020. My brother was missing for a month until his body was recovered from the lake. A tragedy like this is big news in my small town. The media will focus on the fact that he had a drug problem. The truth is, we are still unsure of what happened that night. He was high on meth and he drowned, yes, but he did not overdose. Could it be an accident? Was there foul play? I don't know, but hearing the different theories around my brother's death is not an easy thing to go through either. He was an addict and also suffered from schizophrenia. A lot of people look at that with judgment, I know this because I've seen it and heard it. Like I said, being an addict is only one layer of a person. It definitely wasn't the only layer of him.
Tré was a writer, an artist, a gamer, he even had a green thumb. He loved his garden and took a lot of pride in it. There is much more I could go on and on about the type of person he was, but a lot of people want to focus on the fact that he was an addict, so let me give you some insight.
Nobody wakes up one day and thinks, "I'm going to do hard drugs and become addicted to them." You have to be in a really dark place to come to this point. Understand that. Addiction is a chronic disease because it cannot be cured. A recovering addict has to keep their thoughts and actions in check because relapsing is easier than one might think. For Tré, that was very difficult. He was sad. I'm not going to sugar coat it because I am his sister, and I saw his hurt. His hurt made me hurt.
The amount of dopamines released by neurons in the brain increases significantly when using drugs. It hijacks the process, causing a person to believe that they can only be happy when they're high. This turns into a cycle where the person is only focused on their next fix. I took this personally for a very long time because I felt like he chose drugs over his relationship with me. We weren't as close anymore, and honestly, a lot of our conversations turned to arguments. I dwelled on my last conversation with him for a long time. I felt guilty because I was basically scolding him about his drug use. I was very tired of having the same conversation with him, and he snapped at me that day. That was my last conversation with him. He died and I had him blocked on social media.
This resulted in a lot of guilty feelings on my part. When somebody close to you is an addict, there is only so much you can do until it becomes mentally draining. I have to remind myself every day that this was not my fault, and also attend therapy every other week to help me cope. I don't say this for sympathy because I don't need that, I say this to emphasize that addiction affects more than just the addict.
You will feel like you could've done more to help them out. The truth is, you could do everything possible in your power and still end up with a very heartbreaking outcome. Loving an addict will make you a very patient person. You can't help everyone, not even your loved ones, and that is a very hard pill to swallow.
So, what can you do when a loved one is going through addiction?
- Educate yourself on what addiction is and how it works.
- Once you've completed step one, keep in mind that an addict is not all your loved one is although it may seem like drugs completely took them over.
- Learn how to take the negative things other people have to say with a grain of salt. Not everyone knows your loved one like you do. Not everyone deserves to. Let them stay ignorant, that is not your problem.
- Love them. I know it is hard because you feel like drugs have completely changed the person you once knew; however, they need you. Addicts feel very lonely, so be there to listen and show them you care.
- Encourage them to get help rather than degrade them.
- Don't take it personally. Seriously. That will eat you up inside. They love you, I promise, even when it may not seem like it. When they are hurtful, love them anyways.
These are just some of the things I wish I would've known when my brother was alive; however, I cannot go back and change what has already been done. What I can do is talk about his story and educate other people.
Tré, I am so sorry for all of the hurt you felt in this world. I wish I could've taken it all away from you, and I am so sorry for all the times I was not patient with you. Even through all the hard times we had, I promise that there was never a day that I loved you any less because of it. You were never less of a person to me because of the demons you were fighting that I could never understand.
I love you forever and I will keep making you proud.
