To be completely honest, I had no idea that my fear of throwing up actually had a formal name associated with it until about two hours ago when I watched some tiktok of a girl yacking during a dance competition and everyone commented "MY EMETOPHOBIA". It really is a bizarre fear to have. To feel every twinge of pain in your stomach and go through the most ridiculous, preventative measures to NOT throw up. So I began to research the phobia and what it actually entails because everything is different and everyone has their own form of a fear. What I learned was that the fear of throwing up can actually occur when watching someone else throw their cookies as well; whether it be on television, video, or in person. I've gotta say it is pretty strange thinking that something that "cleans out your insides" and "will make you feel better afterwards" could be so terrifying to so many people. I've cried over toilet bowls, pulled out chunks of hair and taken insane amounts of papaya supplements just to give my mind something else to focus on. And to this day, it remains the biggest fear I live with.

I couldn't actually tell you when my fear began because I honestly have no idea. I remember being in kindergarten and seeing another student hurl in a certain part of the classroom. A tiny gap in between our little tables. And I promise you, I never walked down that pathway again. I remember crying excessively when I moved on to first grade. So badly, that it made another student cry, choke on her tears, and then barf. Which instantly fueled the fire in my brain to freak out immediately. Flash forward through elementary school and the school nurse remembered my name, my mother's name, and my mother's phone number. (I think she might've even had her on speed dial). Constant fear of throwing up. Every time I ate something, every time I felt even the slightest bit queasy; BOOM. Instant fear. But it wasn't just fear that took over. It felt like everything in my body wanted to prevent myself from getting sick. So I began to scratch myself. (No not cutting. It was more like digging my nails into my hands and arms so deeply that I would bleed; just because I figured it would take my mind off of my stomach.) It was a solid effort but I still struggled with my fear every day.

I saw therapists and counselors who helped occasionally. However, I think about it now and I don't really know how me building my own universe in a sandbox with tiny figurines actually helped, PJ. Nevertheless, I kept living with it. It prevented me from a lot growing up. I was too scared to stay overnight at a birthday party across the street, too worried that I would be sick at my grandmother's house or my cousin's house, even too frightened to get on a plane to go to Hawaii. HAWAII. WHO ACTUALLY GIVES UP A TRIP TO HAWAII WITH THEIR FAMILY BECAUSE OF A FEAR? Cue the That's So Raven theme song. "YUP THAT'S ME!" And I can't forget the time where I decided to be a competitive cheerleader and freaked out because my stomach was up in arms about our performance. I will NEVER forget the looks on those other girls faces when I told my coach I couldn't do it. It was hard from them to understand; we were middle-school girls with inflated egos because we could pull our heels to our heads. But the one thing I wanted more than anything, was for them to try and understand.

The one thing I didn't expect was for my fear to affect me so much in college. Of course everyone gets first day jitters and the realization that "holy crap I'm leaving home". But then you get there and you meet new people, expand your horizons, get drunk and make good memories. But not this gal (aka me). I am the mega-nerd I never thought I would become. I'm going into my third year of college and I have never been drunk. Why you may ask? Because I am scared to throw up from whatever I put into my body. I guess it's not all horrible. I apparently have a very slim chance of becoming an alcoholic in the future and my work in school is only improving. But there are so many days where I wish I could be that girl who can go out and have a good time. Don't get me wrong I love movie nights in the apartment, but I wish I could do more. I want to be more. For a lot of people, it's so hard to understand why you can't just get up and go to that frat party in that disgusting, sweaty basement. I've cried about it a lot which leads to a LOT of napping which ultimately leads to my problems remaining unsolved. However, the truth is, I'm not ready to deal with it all yet. I still have a lot of growing up to do and lot of things to figure out so it's going to take time for me to learn how to actually approach these situations and work through time. (To my friends and family, I'm working on it. I promise.)

I could write about the endless panic attacks and times where I actually thought I was dying but quite honestly, I don't feel like writing another sob story about mental illness. IT SUCKS. But you deal with it and learn how to cope. It's basically like a rollercoaster; occasional ups and downs, sometimes an extra loop or twist but that's just how things are. We're human, we're intellectuals and we're all incredibly different from one another. Fears don't define who we are or who we become; our personalities do that. But as the great Mike the Situation once said, "The comeback is always greater than the setback", so don't let your fears dictate who you can be.