Struggling with suicidal thoughts is often very confusing. Some days I think to myself, "what if I was no longer here?" or "what is my purpose?" Some days I may not have these thoughts at all, but yet they are still buried deep in the back of my mind. Other days could be going great for me, but those thoughts may still fight their way in. What I'm trying to say, having suicidal thoughts isn't always as straightforward as "ABC, 123" It is an extremely difficult concept to grasp, and is different for each individual.
Having these thoughts also doesn't necessarily mean I want to die, because I don't. I want to have a bright future ahead. I want a job, a husband, a house, and even kids. Achieving this is something that has always been extremely important to me, but sometimes these thoughts find their way in and are telling me things such as, "There is no need for these goals you can't possibly achieve this." or "No one cares the world would be better off." I do realize that none of these thoughts I have are true, for I am capable of achieving anything I set my mind to, and I have friends and family who love me to the moon and back, but sometimes I just can't control these thoughts that I have.
It seems as if the whole world is against me at times, and that's when the thoughts get the worst. I feel like I can't do anything right, and sometimes I wonder, "what if I just took a bunch of pills and went to sleep, it'd be painless and easy," I truly do not want to have these thoughts or even act on them, but they just happen, I can't really explain how, it just does.
Again, I do not under any circumstances want to die, it's just these thoughts come into my mind and it can sometimes be hard to control them. I don't have any intentions on acting on these thoughts, they are just there, sitting, waiting to come to the surface and bring me down.
Living with these thought is like you're at a green light, but you just stay stopped. Everything around you is telling you to go, to continue with life, but you lack the will to get on your feet and just go. It's not that you don't want to, but it feels like there is something there telling you that you can't.
It is one of the hardest things to live with, but I know, deep down, I want to continue in this journey of life. I want nothing more than to tell depression that I won, that I defeated the illness. It's hard, but I will not give up. i WILL continue to fight until I win, because even though I do have these thoughts, I am strong.
