What if I don’t speak to God? What if I don’t receive revelations? What if I don’t evangelize or prophesy? What if I am not spiritual, and don’t have any desire to be?

Must I change? Is there something wrong with me that I don’t really desire to try to get “closer” to God?

I have no desire to figure it out. I don’t know exactly what God is, or what is truth, and what is mere constructs of our minds that long for something more. What if I am content as I am, and I don’t desire anything more? I do not feel as if I am lacking, like so many on spiritual journeys do. I don’t feel the need to save people, to achieve greatness, or to attain enlightenment. I am content simply enjoying this life.

I do not care to think about the afterlife and heaven or hell. There are too many questions unanswered about such things, how can anyone know? For years I was always told I must have some higher purpose and calling, that I needed some great goal, that I needed to change the world to be worth something. I feel free from that now. I’m just content enjoying the sunshine, or my cat lying next to me, or my husband’s embrace, or laughter with my family. I have everything in the world I ever longed for right here beside me.

Yes, I want to be a great writer, but I’m pursuing that, I am writing and I’m happy with my progress and just enjoying the journey. Why do we need to have some great spiritual goal to be worth something? My life is amazing, every part of it.

Is pursuing God out of emptiness and lack really a worthy motive? Who am I to say? Many feel close to God and fulfilled by His presence. I guess I just feel unsure of this whole God thing and what’s real and what’s not. But I’m okay with it, I gave up trying to force myself to feel something, to look or act or feel a certain way. If I don’t truly desire in my heart to speak to God, why should I? And even if God is there why must we speak to have a relationship? Why do I have to understand any of it in my head? Can I not just enjoy?

What if I have no revelations, no visions, no prophecy to share? What if I am content enjoying what God has given me instead of continually begging him for more? Isn’t contentment a virtue? I think it is one many have forgotten.

I’m not going to pretend anymore that I have it all figured out because I don’t, none of us do, but I don’t think that matters. We are worth it not because we achieve some great spiritual goal, purpose and meaning are within us and all around us and no amount of spiritual works are going to give you worth because you already have worth inside. I had looked everywhere for worth and acceptance. I was convinced I had to be a missionary, had to be the most spiritual and save the world to be worth something. But that love and acceptance I was looking for all along was right in front of me.