Something my dad regularly reminds me of is that the cause of being unhappy is living in the past or the future. Happiness only lies in the present, which is really the only thing we have available to us anyhow. On my hardest days he would repeat this to me.

I understood it. I even believed it. I just couldn’t access it.

My inability to be happy seemed out of good intention.

I was constantly analyzing the past, trying to make sense of it.

I was looking to the future for hope. I had to reassure myself there was still quality existence ahead of me.

Problems can only ever be fixed once they’re addressed, right? But I just became so focused on them I couldn’t even function.

Plagued by a deadly cocktail of guilt and anticipation, I didn’t know what to do.

Time.

Time is the currency we so readily waste.

It replenishes itself constantly.

We always have it, which is why it’s so available to waste.

And for some reason it always seems like there is enough of it. I mean sure, time is given to us in the form of direct deposit so I can see the temptation to spend it without much consideration.

I started up work again at the coffee shop, which I can honestly say saved me.

My problem wasn’t that I didn’t have any care to give, it’s that I had a surplus and wasn’t sure where to put it, and I didn’t believe in that moment that I deserved it.

I entirely believe that each human has a certain amount of ‘care’ stored up inside of them, and a portion of that is designated to give to yourself.

So I bled my care into my work and customer service exchanges. And I soon discovered that it bounced right back. I saw a very direct correlation between my efforts and the satisfaction I got from customers.

There was a certain ‘giving energy’ pent up in me and for weeks it was only surfacing as anger. It disguised itself as anger because my receiving end had left me, rendering me confused about where to direct my energy.

My grandma comforted me with the words, “Anger only hurts you honey, not him.”

So back to this concept of time.

What does it even look like to live in the moment?

There is an element of focus and flow.

Hence, something I found when I was at work. Making coffee after coffee gave me flow, and the interactions of the customers gave me enough of an interruption to keep me sane and remind me that I’m a person and not simply a cog in the machine.

My art. My writing. These things brought focus and awareness. When I’m creating and giving, I’m forced to be exactly where I’m at.

I was able to get in my head and get out of my head simultaneously.

At some point I needed to realize that it was possible to acknowledge the past without living in it. Easier said than done of course, but I knew accepting this concept would be my first step in the right direction.

And as for the future, I had to separate hope from wishing and needed to make the distinction between potential and possibilities.

Living in the past can cause depression and living in the future causes anxiety. And I was rendered useless when I condensed my life to something so two dimensional. Infinity opened up as soon as I broke past these axis.

Now this is not to say that I’m freed of these limitations, and I can guarantee I’ll battle them for the rest of my sensory existence. But coming to these understandings have allowed me to access a new perspective and now I can slowly allow light to seep back in.