I always wished I could start my life over

I Wish I Could Have Chosen A Different Way Of Living Life

My struggles forced me to be the way I am, don't let it decide your own fate.

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Middle and high school were the worst years in my life. Ever since I was born, I have been extremely quiet an introvert. People always say that it is normal for someone to be shy and quiet as a child, but what nobody expected was for that to last throughout high school and part of college. Problems with socializing, doing well in school and always thinking the worst of things can really affect a person in some ways. This is how it affects me, and maybe some of you who are reading my story.

I always thought people looked at me as the weird kid because I rarely talked around anyone. I preferred to be on my own instead of being around other people. To keep myself from possibly having horrible things being said about me behind my back, I would isolate myself and only have a select few friends in my life.

This fear of being around people could also have a side-effect of being diagnosed with anxiety, which means shaking, sweating or getting dizzy at stressful times, like being in front of new people or a large group. In this generation, people can be so judgmental that it effects some peoples brain by making them think the worst, like being made fun of or talked bad about. This is where the phrase "don't judge a book by its cover" comes into play, and people should remember this.

All throughout middle and high school, I have not only had trouble with social anxiety, but also struggled with school work. My entire life, I have done awful in school. My main struggle was reading comprehension, so I had to take an extra class every other day after school to get more help with it. After always failing exams and quizzes in my life, I felt like I was a failure because I couldn't do anything.

I don't know if there are other people out there who feel the way I have, but if there are, do not let it ruin your life. Try to get help with doing better and then you won't have to deal with the feeling of being a failure in your own mind.

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with controlling my thoughts about certain things. I would be doing one thing, and in the back of my mind I would have every possible thing that could go wrong. It had gotten to the point where sometimes I couldn't sleep for hours, which is why I would listen to music or have background noise to distract me from worst possible scenarios.

Even if it is the happiest moment of my life, I know that I can't stop the horrible thoughts coming into my head. I always wondered what could be making these thoughts always popping up in my head, but I have been too scared to tell my family about it. I feared that this could mean I have a problem and would need to take medication to help me. I always hate the idea of taking medication since it could make me seem like even more of a freak, and I do not want that.

I wish to tell all the other people out there that it is OK to be different. You don't have to let it ruin how you wish to live your life. Try not to let what people could think get to your head, they most likely won't think any of that stuff. I know I haven't figured out how to do this, but I hope that anyone else struggling with this will decide to get help, something I did not do. Don't forget, never let people change how you live your life or how you think about yourself.

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Everything You Will Miss If You Commit Suicide

The world needs you.
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You won't see the sunrise or have your favorite breakfast in the morning.

Instead, your family will mourn the sunrise because it means another day without you.

You will never stay up late talking to your friends or have a bonfire on a summer night.

You won't laugh until you cry again, or dance around and be silly.

You won't go on another adventure. You won't drive around under the moonlight and stars.

They'll miss you. They'll cry.

You won't fight with your siblings only to make up minutes later and laugh about it.

You won't get to interrogate your sister's fiancé when the time comes.

You won't be there to wipe away your mother's tears when she finds out that you're gone.

You won't be able to hug the ones that love you while they're waiting to wake up from the nightmare that had become their reality.

You won't be at your grandparents funeral, speaking about the good things they did in their life.

Instead, they will be at yours.

You won't find your purpose in life, the love of your life, get married or raise a family.

You won't celebrate another Christmas, Easter or birthday.

You won't turn another year older.

You will never see the places you've always dreamed of seeing.

You will not allow yourself the opportunity to get help.

This will be the last sunset you see.

You'll never see the sky change from a bright blue to purples, pinks, oranges, and yellows meshing together over the landscape again.

If the light has left your eyes and all you see is the darkness, know that it can get better. Let yourself get better.

This is what you will miss if you leave the world today.

This is who will care about you when you are gone.

You can change lives. But I hope it's not at the expense of yours.

We care. People care.

Don't let today be the end.

You don't have to live forever sad. You can be happy. It's not wrong to ask for help.

Thank you for staying. Thank you for fighting.

Suicide is a real problem that no one wants to talk about. I'm sure you're no different. But we need to talk about it. There is no difference between being suicidal and committing suicide. If someone tells you they want to kill themselves, do not think they won't do it. Do not just tell them, “Oh you'll be fine." Because when they aren't, you will wonder what you could have done to help. Sit with them however long you need to and tell them it will get better. Talk to them about their problems and tell them there is help. Be the help. Get them assistance. Remind them of all the things they will miss in life.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Cover Image Credit: Brittani Norman

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My Eating Disorder Was A Secret, Even From Me

No one ever talks about it, and if they had my life might be different.

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I remember ninth grade health class very well, specifically one day in particular. The day we talked about eating disorders, I was ready to hear about anorexia and bulimia. I was not ready to walk out of that classroom with confirmation that I had an eating disorder, but that is exactly what I did that day.

After speaking on anorexia and bulimia, my teacher told us about Binge Eating Disorder.

My 14-year-old ears perked up. I had never heard of this disease, but I was immediately interested. I knew anorexia and bulimia well, they were the diseases that, at the time, I wish I had the determination to try, but I was too scared to hurt my body.

Binge Eating Disorder was new to me. My teacher described it as continuing to eat after you were full and eating for hours at a time. As the signs and symptoms continued to be read, I realized... that the last three years of my life had been plagued by binges. There was a lot I couldn't control in my life, but eating was one thing that I always had control over. It was the one thing that always brought me comfort.

Most binges would start after I came home from a hard day at school, or maybe after I got in a fight with a family member. Maybe I felt insecure about the growing number on the scale, but I ate.

It always started with half a bag of chips, then maybe a cookie or other sweet treat, and then I would finish with something else I could find in the pantry. My mother would come home and begin making dinner.

Ashamed, I would hide the food anywhere so my family could not tell I had been eating and then I would go eat dinner.

This was a common occurrence for me, but I had no idea that my habits were wrong or should point to an eating disorder. The only thing that I knew was wrong with me, was that I was gaining weight.

For the longest time, I thought an eating disorder was something that helped you lose weight unhealthily, not gain weight. It wasn't until I sat in a health class that I realized that there was anything wrong with me.

Education is so important in overcoming eating disorders. We are making such great strides about informing people about the dangers of eating disorders and positive body image.

It is so important that we start making Binge Eating Disorder a topic that is as known as anorexia and bulimia. No one ever discusses Binge Eating Disorder, not even the dangers of it, maybe if they had my life might have been different.

Maybe I would have found out about it earlier and could have gotten help before it got out of hand.

I wish I could say that I left that health class that day and never had a binge again. The truth is I binged several times after that, and still to this day I have an episode, although they are very rare.

It would be unrealistic to tell you that I overcame my eating disorder that day because it is a journey I am still completing. Every day presents a new challenge, and sometimes I fail, but I will succeed, and succeeding is worth a few failures.

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