Father,
There's a strange flip side to having an alcoholic parent. You gave me an image of someone I never want to be. You put me through hell and back in the last few years, and I have come out stronger because of you. I guess I should've titled this as a "Thank-You" letter.
Thank you, for testing my strength. I now know how strong I really am. This past July, when I saw you in ICU it was one of the hardest things that I ever had to do. Looking at you sick, and unable to move and breathe on your own was terrifying. Knowing that you did that to yourself broke my heart, because I hoped that one day you'd finally choose recovery, and seeing you like that I knew that you wouldn't.
I could write about the times you weren't there. I could write about the missed birthdays, school concerts, and graduations. I could write about the fights and the yelling and the screaming. I could write about the words said. I could go on and on about the big "why". Why wasn't I reason enough to recover? Why did you choose alcohol over me? I should hate you, but I don't. I love you.
John Green says "You can love someone so much... but you can never love people as much as you can miss them".
I do miss you. I miss who you used to be. Believe it or not, I do have happy memories of you. I remember going bowling and you would always let me have the last nacho. I remember going into the little fishing store and taking a row boat down the creek. I remember going to the deli and splitting a ham and munster sandwich with mayonnaise. I remember learning to play catch, and blasting Billy Joel driving down the highway. I miss the way that you used to laugh at me when I did something silly, or the way you would hug me when you were proud of me; and I don't know what's worse, missing you, or knowing that there's nothing I can do about it.
You're not that person anymore, and as difficult as it has been I think I finally understand that. Alcoholism is not who you are, but it is what you've become. You have become consumed with this disease that has completely changed your life, and mine. You've burned every bridge with no way to rebuild them. You've severed every connection. You've hurt my heart for the last time.
I am stronger now, because my heart has been broken before and now I know I can handle anything.
I am wiser now, because I feel things on a deeper level. I am able to empathize and show compassion toward others. I understand what it feels like to be hurt and I am using this wisdom to make something of myself. I have decided that I want to be a teacher because I want the children of this world to know, that no matter what they witness at home and in this cruel world, in my classroom they will always be loved.
Lastly, I've learned that some things remain broken. I've learned that you can handle anything, as long as you have people who love you. I will never stop loving you, and I will always pray you find peace.
Love,
Your Daughter
