I have been conscious of my weight for as long as I can remember. I was always comparing myself to my sister...the fabulously overrated sized 0. Growing up I was relatively skinny, although my build was more block-like. As I got older and participated in various sports, I shrunk a bit more and became more shapely/muscular going into my teen years. In the beginning, it was never about staying fit or losing the pouch, it was just about the fun of the activity. Unfortunately, that changed in middle school. I became CHEERLEADER.
I saw a group of girls I wanted to be like, and I figured if you can't beat them, join them.
Eventually, the sport became unbearable, and I really had to sit down and ask why. Why was I still doing this, crying every practice, being body shamed? For the longest time, I did not have an answer until I found myself in sport after sport of running into similar dilemmas. I realized I was using them as a way to stay fit...which is perfectly fine. However, I was going obnoxiously overboard.
If I was not in a sport, I thought I was a cow and started to body shame myself — no cheerleaders needed.
Anyone looking at me would have thought I was a complete nut job or entirely blind, probably both. I had become curvy and muscular in the right places and I had that flat tummy that everyone boasts about on Instagram. I could not see it, though. It was never good enough. It got to the point that I felt unworthy of so many things if I were not skinny, like love.
If I looked in the mirror and saw pudge, my first thought would be "Oh God, how is anyone supposed to find this attractive?"
Once I stopped doing sports, I hit rock bottom. I thought I was big, so I acted accordingly. I just ate and ate without any cares how many times I had already done so that day. I became the most unmotivated person on the planet when it came to taking care of myself. That is when my body started changing and it disgusted me.
How could I have let myself get to this point? I should have appreciated being skinny.
What I have come to realize, and many people need to realize, is that there is no perfect size or shape — it is all subjective garbage. We are fed so many images of the "ideal girl" that we begin to wholeheartedly believe that it is true and if we do not fit the image than we are lesser than. But those images are super unrealistic and photoshopped — we are being sold a fantasy by a market preying on insecurity.
You do not need to worry about not being lovable like I did. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. There are roughly 3.9 billion men and 3.8 billion women, you are bound to find someone who will love you from top to bottom. You have so much more to offer the world besides the physical aspects of you. Some days will be easier than others, but learn to be nice to yourself.
It is a long process of re-configuring your idea of beauty. Our bodies go through a lot on a day to day basis and changes are normal. If the changes you're seeing makes you feel a type of way, take a deep breath and embrace it. Obviously use discretion and make sure you keep yourself healthy but make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Do not go to the gym and try crazy diets just because you are worried about being perceived as anything other than small, skinny, or petite.
Do it because you want to be more active — because you want to be healthy. You do not have to be a size 0 to be healthy, and you definitely do not need a flat stomach to participate in hot girl summer.
