Even though I may not follow any certain belief system, I identify myself as Jewish. Most of my life, at least the start of it, I spent a lot of time throughout various Jewish communities. With a father who’s fully Jewish and mother who is half, the countless mitzvahs I attended until I was 16, over a decade at a Jewish day camp, and the Jewish youth group I occasionally participated in, I exposed myself the most to Judaism is anything. However, guess how Jewish I actually am. Probably the most unreligious girl you’ll meet.

When it came to religious services, I’ve been known for being that one girl who feels very out of place ever since I was at least six. I spent a lot of times being confused at bat mitzvahs when all my other friends were carrying on, or I would be lost during a song or prayer while my entire youth group understood it. However, I still tried as hard as I could to get involved, which was the most successful during Friday services at camp. Sure, this wasn’t the most religious day camp I could have gone to, but I still felt like I was learning something and felt like I found a way to get it all.

In order to make more of an effort in the religion that I identified myself with, I joined a Jewish Youth Group, which was filled with a mix of emotions. Mostly, I signed up for this because my best friend convinced me to, and it was something that allowed us to see each other every Sunday night. When I first joined it during the 8^th grade, I managed to find a place throughout every meeting, mainly because it wasn’t super religious. However, when it came to participating in events with people who I’d never met, that’s when I got really scared.

When I went to my first event, which consisted of spending two nights in a guest home with other kids and going to shul for Shabbat, I was petrified. I remembered crying to my mom about it because my best friend wasn’t going to the event with me and because I would be surrounded by so many aspects of religion that I wouldn’t understand. When my little freak out ended, my mom called the director of the event about my concerns, who reassured my mother that I was going to do just fine; oddly enough, she was pretty right about that.

During the event, I did everything I could to follow along with the prayers that were being said, ultimately as a way to push myself out of the awkwardness. As I continued on with that technique, I found comfort in the practice that I was participating in, even though it was for the sake of making new friends and being involved.

From that point on, I didn’t go to many events, but at least some. During one event that I went to as a junior in high school, I saw my best friend smiling at me while I was trying to follow along with the Hebrews songs that I was reading from the book and were attempting to come out of my mouth. Even though I thought I looked stupid, she knew how hard I was trying and was truly admiring me for it. That act of admiration made me feel so beyond proud for getting involved in the Jewish community throughout my youth group.

To this day, I don't always understand Judaism. To this day, I am still grateful to my best friend for forcing me into youth group. I may not keep kosher or had a bat mitzvah, I make attempts to identify myself as a Jew in the best I can. I try to follow along during Jewish services and have found a new comfort within them. Even though I may have a Christmas tree in my house next to my menorah, I see myself as Jewish.

On the first night of Hanukah this year, I went to see an ice menorah be lit on campus and sing the prayer of the first night with my classmates. In that moment, I felt so much at ease and like I was back home lighting the candles with my family. Despite how hard I try, I won’t be a religious Jewish girl. But no matter how much people may deny this to me, I’ll call myself a Jew.