Dear guy in the Hummer that's been tailgating me for about two miles now,
Hello. Let me just say, from the bottom of my heart, that I am genuinely sorry for not being a clairvoyant (like you, apparently) and foreseeing exactly when the light is going to change. That was my error, and I am sorry. I'm sure the moment I walk back into Hogwarts, Dumbledore is going to deduct points from my house for not using my magic to its highest potential.
It's been a long road we've taken together, throughout which, I'm sure you've got my license plate, bumper stickers and the number of scratches on my old back bumper memorized by now. I also apologize on behalf of the road itself (as it cannot talk) because it is only one lane. Forcing you to waste your precious time being safe and following the speed limit. I'm sure you have very important things to do like picking up your dry-cleaning, going on a target run for your Super Bowl LII jersey that was just released or maybe you just needed some time with your "sweet ride" and if you're not pushing 65 mph, let's face it, are you really driving? Whatever you're doing may I suggest a police escort next time? This way, everyone will know that, one, you're in a Hummer (as I'm sure that's very important to you) and, two, you can completely avoid speed limits.
I must say, you've taught me some very valuable life lessons during our fateful meeting on the road, such as:
if you can't see the car's headlights in your rearview mirror, it's okay to break-check them every two minutes.
If the person in back of you keeps banging on their wheel in hysterics, just keep doing what you're doing.
Coming to a close-to-full stop before a turn, then realizing it isn't the right turn (every turn) is a very cautious and safe way to drive.
Making sure you spell out the word "stop" at every stop sign twice, then organizing the letters in alphabetical order and spelling it out that way is the perfect way to make sure no one is coming.
Thank you for these life lessons. Of course, this is only a fraction of the things you've taught me during our drive today.
Overall, I hope you enjoy the rest of your day and the rest of your life. I hope that every burrito you eat falls apart. I hope that you always find gum to step in. I hope there's always one light flickering wherever you are. I hope that whenever it rains you forget an umbrella. I hope that you always have your least favorite song stuck in your head. I hope every car that is in front of you drives slow. I sincerely hope your Hummer gets a flat.
Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours,
The guy laughing at you as you let out all your anger out on your steering wheel
