My Mother's death anniversary is this week. January 27th to be exact. As soon as the weather became cold and New Year's was around the corner I could feel it approaching I will forever associate cold weather with my Mom's passing... because I can still feel that brisk air, see the bare sky and remember the clothes I was wearing from that Sunday morning.
Here are some things I have experienced over the past year....
You only experience grief on a holiday: False
Yes, birthday's (both mine and my Mom's), Mother's Day Thanksgiving, Christmas/Hanukkah, and New Years were all difficult to "celebrate" for the first time without my Mom. Birthday's reminded me the one person I can thank for giving me a birthday is not here. Thanksgiving is a time to feel thankful, right? How can I feel thankful at this time? Watching others experience family time or post on social media with their loved ones at Christmas dinner. Knowing I am going into the New Year without one of the most important people in my life.
Grief can hit you out of the blue: Truth
While holidays bring a wave of uncontrollable emotions, they are most certainly not the only time I cried or thought of my Mom. Envelopes are still addressed to my Mom... bills, subscribing, foundations, dentist reminders. So many times I would go to the mailbox and see my Mom's name on an envelope. Commercials for my Mom's favorite television show. The smell and look of Kohl's, my Mom's favorite store. When Counting Crows came on the radio. Wearing my Mom's jewelry. Reading a story book to my students that my Mom read to me. All of these, and so much more, would bring feelings of grief back to the surface.
There are five stages of grief: False
One of the most commonly known and accepted psychological concepts is that grief proceeds in stages. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Grief is not as linear as people see it. I have repeated stages. I have accepted my Mom is no longer here but I have yet to look at her urn or look at home videos. I have not heard my Mom's voice in 365 days. I enjoy outings and my job - but I am still depressed. I am still angry and I am still confused. When people buy into the idea that grief is linear and you need to pass through each stage - you self-criticize that there is a "right way to grieve."
Grief is conquered day by day: Truth
I urge anyone experiencing grief to take it day by day. Do not look too far into the future - it is much too hard to process. This past year I would think about holidays that were months ahead, marriage or creating a family. Letting my mind wander into the future and try to imagine how I would get through these times was not helpful. Some days your win is getting out of bed. Some days your win is completing your to-do list. Be kind to yourself and focus on the now.
You have to cry to be grieving: False
I have cried more times than I can count during this past year. But I have also lashed out and fought with loved ones over simple mistakes. I have eaten out of sadness. I have not eaten out of sadness. I have ignored, brushed off people, and avoided situations and conversations. Just because I am not crying does not mean my brain isn't screaming. Just because I look okay does not mean I feel okay.
Once you are done grieving, your life will go back to normal: False
Grieving does not have a beginning and end date. My Mom may have passed a year ago but my days will never be "normal" again. Before my Mom passed if she was in a dream it was not a big deal. Now having my Mom appear in a dream throws my whole day off when I wake up. Before my Mom passed I would think about what happens when a person dies but now i can be laying in bed reading or playing a game on my phone and out of no where my heart starts racing and I'm crying. Death has become a thought that brings extreme anxiety like I never felt before. I am scared for myself and my loved ones. I will never end a conversation without "I Love You," I always look back twice at my Father's face before leaving the house. Before my Mom passed I was excited about my future and my friend's future. Now at 25, all my friends are getting engaged, having children, buying houses etc; these exciting events have brought different emotions for me. Now, life is not normal is so many ways.
People mean well, but they unknowingly say stupid things: Truth
- I know exactly how you feel
- It happened for a reason
- Just give it time
- You finally look happy again
Overall, this past year I have learned a lot of lessons about other people and about myself. Some people will let you down during this process, some people will leave, some people will stay. I have learned that each day and each challenge, each event and each beginning, will bring grief back into my life, however, I have learned now how to cope and move forward because I know deep down in my heart this is what my mom would want for me.
