I've had a lifetime of ups and downs with God. I had a childhood learning about the Bible and that Jesus loves me, this I know. I had an adolescence where I piggy-backed off of my family's faith and never questioned or challenged my own personal faith. I had a time where I didn't believe in Him and denied His existence. And I've had young adult years where He was all I had and the only one for me to turn to.
And in my 22 years of ups and downs, I've realized that it's harder for me to rely on God in the good times than in the bad. In a weird way, I'm more familiar with how to handle hard seasons than good ones. It's easy for me to say from experience that so much growth comes out of hard seasons. You realize your strength when you're alone, God's love is constant and He is near to those who are brokenhearted.
So when I finally was in a really good season, I didn't know what my relationship with God was supposed to look like, because all I wanted to do was guard the good things in my life. I was finally happy, I had stability, and I was loved. I didn't want those things to get pulled out from under me so I could learn another life lesson. I became possessive and shut God out because I feared for the day my good season would end and God would take it away.
I didn't want to be moved by God, I didn't want my heart to get stirred up. I avoided deep conversations and purposely kept my relationships at shallow levels. I just wanted to cling to my blessings for dear life and didn't want anything to open up any doors so that they could slip out.
I spent months being frustrated with myself for not being able to figure out why I would shut God out when my life was going well. Why couldn't I respond with thankfulness, why was I so attached and possessive of where I was at in life? Was I weird because hard things were more familiar and natural to deal with than the good things?
All this anxiety and fear of losing my good season robbed me of enjoying it.
I was so concerned about keeping a tight grip on it, that I became anxious and resistant to any type of change. When instead, I should have enjoyed it and embraced the new changes. Because looking at where I'm at now, all those good happy things are still present in my life. But at the same time, I'm about to enter a lifelong process of growing and healing, which is exactly the type of vulnerability I was avoiding.
And now that I've realized that, I can feel confident in enjoying the good things in my life while feeling supported enough to face the trials that are still present in my life. I forgot that God is for me, not against me. God wouldn't purposely take away all of my stability and love just to say, "Okay that's enough time being comfortable, time to learn a lesson."
He wants to give us the desires of our hearts and see us smile and enjoy life. He doesn't want to punish us, He only wants us to grow and lean on Him in all areas of life. Because a season doesn't need to be labeled as good or bad, they can both occur simultaneously. Through a hard season there are always moments of light, and during good seasons there are trials that provide growth. Every season serves a purpose, and every season should be embraced knowing that God is always by your side through all of it.