Caring for your mental health for relationship with yourself

I Had A Toxic Relationship With Myself, So I Broke Up With Me

How I broke myself down, but am learning to build myself back up.


The relationship I had with myself growing up was toxic– and I broke myself down every day because of it.

I broke my own heart and spirit.

The only experience of heartbreak I have had didn't come from a boy; it came from me, when I refused to love, value and accept myself.

I spent most of my first twenty years of life– that I can remember– hating myself.

I spent long nights crying and heaving on the floor of my bedroom, not because of a boy, but because of myself. I would walk around feeling completely empty inside because I wasn't giving myself enough compassion or love.

I would use my energy to tear myself apart day after day– rather than uplifting myself and living life. I would scar myself and question the value of my life because of how wrong it felt to be living it.

I spent years feeling completely broken.

I spent years trying to pretend everything was ok. For much of that time it worked; however, just like anything else you allow to build up past its capacity, I broke.

I isolated myself from the people that cared about me. I would cancel plans, ignore people and give up activities I loved because I no longer had the energy or motivation because I would deprive myself of food and overwork my body believing it would make me feel happy and worthy.

Any energy that I did have left would be used to fuel the anxiety that would then deepen the darkness I was stuck in.

The thoughts and behaviors were completely exhausting. Being alive felt like a full-time job, and at some moments, it was one that I wanted to quit.

While much of the toxic relationship I had with myself can be contributed to my mental heath– I promised myself in college that I would work on loving and accepting myself as I am.

College has been a rollercoaster of emotions– which is to be expected. However, throughout the last two years, I have been able to find an inner peace that I had desperately been searching and praying for.

I was able to end with the toxic relationship I had with myself.

My mental health is a work in progress and takes constant self-care to keep in check, and while I have bad weeks and good weeks, I am not in the same mental state and patterns I was a few years ago. By being able to identify and come to the realization that I deserved a better life and deserved to seek help, I've been able to lead a healthier life.

I feel free.

I no longer tear myself apart when I look in a mirror– I understand that I am a work in progress. I see my imperfections and rather than using them to fuel my self-hatred, I see them as things that make me my own person.

I live a balanced lifestyle that no longer makes me want to deprive myself or push my body to a dangerous point. I use my energy to work on goals I have because I now believe in myself and my capabilities.

I feel like a whole person.

I no longer feel as if I am just a fracture of who I am supposed to be. I am who I am and that's completely okay.

I no longer question the value of my life– I believe that I do have a purpose, even if I don't know exactly what it is yet.

I feel like I am actually living.

I no longer feel like a bystander watching everyone else enjoy life. I am enjoying life. I now always say yes to plans– mostly because I know that now I can go out and genuinely have a good time, which is something I was incapable of doing for such a long time.

I am no longer faking a smile or faking being okay.

I am happy and I am okay– and I actually mean it.

When I laugh, it's genuine– and ridiculous, ask any of my friends, my laugh is obnoxious.

I now see a future and life for myself I once questioned if I would even exist for.

I've made goals and envisioned what my life will be two, five, ten and so on years from now. I am genuinely excited and hopeful for what the future holds from me.

**If you made it through this then thank you. It wasn't easy to write. I guess the point of this is that no matter how low you may feel or how much you question your life, worth or purpose, things will get better. I know how lonely, suffocating and paralyzing being in the dark can get. You are never alone –– even if you believe it with every bone in your body. It took me years to be vulnerable to share a fraction of what was going on –– but, a weight was lifted that made me realize that there was hope for me in the future. I promise there is hope for you too.

**This also wasn't to try and provoke sympathy or change any perspective you may have of me as a person. When I was in middle school and high school, I specifically went to this Odyssey in hopes that I could read that other people have gone through similar experiences and felt similar ways. I wanted to read that I wasn't alone. I feel as if I didn't share a fraction of my own story and how my life has improved, my younger self would be disappointed.

Here are numbers you can call if you ever feel like you need it– from experience they can help:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Call 1-800-273-8255

National Sexual Assault HotlineCall 1-800-656-4673

Eating Disorder Association Hotline: Call 1-866-556-8539

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Everything You Will Miss If You Commit Suicide

The world needs you.

You won't see the sunrise or have your favorite breakfast in the morning.

Instead, your family will mourn the sunrise because it means another day without you.

You will never stay up late talking to your friends or have a bonfire on a summer night.

You won't laugh until you cry again, or dance around and be silly.

You won't go on another adventure. You won't drive around under the moonlight and stars.

They'll miss you. They'll cry.

You won't fight with your siblings only to make up minutes later and laugh about it.

You won't get to interrogate your sister's fiancé when the time comes.

You won't be there to wipe away your mother's tears when she finds out that you're gone.

You won't be able to hug the ones that love you while they're waiting to wake up from the nightmare that had become their reality.

You won't be at your grandparents funeral, speaking about the good things they did in their life.

Instead, they will be at yours.

You won't find your purpose in life, the love of your life, get married or raise a family.

You won't celebrate another Christmas, Easter or birthday.

You won't turn another year older.

You will never see the places you've always dreamed of seeing.

You will not allow yourself the opportunity to get help.

This will be the last sunset you see.

You'll never see the sky change from a bright blue to purples, pinks, oranges, and yellows meshing together over the landscape again.

If the light has left your eyes and all you see is the darkness, know that it can get better. Let yourself get better.

This is what you will miss if you leave the world today.

This is who will care about you when you are gone.

You can change lives. But I hope it's not at the expense of yours.

We care. People care.

Don't let today be the end.

You don't have to live forever sad. You can be happy. It's not wrong to ask for help.

Thank you for staying. Thank you for fighting.

Suicide is a real problem that no one wants to talk about. I'm sure you're no different. But we need to talk about it. There is no difference between being suicidal and committing suicide. If someone tells you they want to kill themselves, do not think they won't do it. Do not just tell them, “Oh you'll be fine." Because when they aren't, you will wonder what you could have done to help. Sit with them however long you need to and tell them it will get better. Talk to them about their problems and tell them there is help. Be the help. Get them assistance. Remind them of all the things they will miss in life.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Cover Image Credit: Brittani Norman

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The Truth About Narcan, Insulin, And Who Pays For What

"Stupid junkies, I have to pay for my Insulin but they get Narcan FOR FREE. Can you believe that?"



Let's talk about it. Naloxone, commonly referred to as Narcan or Evzio is a "medication designed to rapidly reverse opioid overdose." According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, Naloxone basically reverses the effects of an overdose.

As you see on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and every other social media platform in the world, "junkies" get indirectly bashed, undermined, and in a nutshell, told that they don't deserve a place on earth.

The most common argument used by "non-addicts" is "I have to pay for my Insulin for my diabetes, but they get Narcan for free? Wow, our government sucks and the system is a joke."

For those of you that don't know, diabetes is a disease in which the body's ability to produce or respond to the hormone, insulin, is impaired, resulting in abnormal metabolism of carbohydrates and elevated levels of glucose in the blood and urine.

There are two types of this disease: Type 1 Diabetes and Type 2 Diabetes that result from a variety of different factors. Diabetes can be acquired through genetics but can also be personally obtained through lifestyle, depending on the type. Aside from genetics and being born into a diabetic family, you may also be diagnosed with diabetes as a result of physical inactivity, high blood pressure, abnormal cholesterol, and being overweight. In other words, if you let your body go, don't work out or do some type of physical activity, let your high blood pressure go untreated, and eat unhealthy foods; you have a chance of developing diabetes.

Next, let's talk about prices.

On average, Insulin costs $200 monthly. This depends on the brand, personal insurance, coupons, and other factors such as organizations that help people get cheaper insulin.

Narcan nasal spray costs $130 for a two-time use. You can buy it at CVS Pharmacy (and other pharmacies) in states such as Ohio, Arkansas, California, Minnesota, Mississippi, Montana, New Jersey, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Tennessee, Utah, and Wisconsin. Some of these states may require a prescription.

Now that you know that Narcan/Evzio isn't free, it's time to talk about other charges that are brought upon addicts when they overdose. If an ambulance is called, they have to pay for it. If they are sent to the emergency room, they also have to pay for that.

The idea that "junkies" get Narcan for free is something society has made up to make drug users feel even more guilt than they already do from having an addiction alone.

Believe it or not, most of us are addicted to something that can be fatal or cause illness/injury. If you eat processed foods or sugar ridden foods every day, chances are you have an addiction to sugar. The withdrawal that someone has from quitting sugar is similar to the withdrawal that one goes through from quitting heroin. You get a splitting headache, you have cold sweats, you are moody, and it makes you sick. If you drink coffee all day on most days and you try to quit, it results in an awful headache for a few days. The addiction to cigarettes and the withdrawal that people go through for that speaks for itself; we all know a smoker or an ex-smoker.

Instead of following social norms, degrading drug users and putting ourselves on a pedestal because we don't use heroin or another "hard drug," we should advocate for the health and stand up for each other. If you see someone on the street that you know is a drug user, pull them aside and pray with them. Help them find a better life. Recommend church, rehab, or any other ideas that may be at your fingertips to mention.

The moral of the story is this: we all have an addiction, hypocrisy is at it's finest thanks to social media, and we are all human. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you judge them. It doesn't cost a dime to shed light on someone's life, especially when they are in need.

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