I am still trying to process what happened. All I know is that you have no idea what love truly is.

One day we were in love, and talking about forever, the next, you disappeared, messages left unread, calls ignored, and questions unanswered. You walked into my life and just as easily walked away from it as if the last 18 months were nothing. You sat next to me in class, told me I was beautiful, that you loved me and I, was naïve and believed you, you targeted me and saw my vulnerability and exploited me.

I fell in love quickly and very hard. From the first minute I saw you when you sat next to me, I wanted to get to know you. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to love you. I wanted to give you the entire world.

But then, everything changed because you did.

Everything was okay until it wasn’t. Suddenly, I was not perfect anymore. I was not on a pedestal anymore because you got bored. When I was struggling with the aftermath of being sexually assaulted, instead of supporting me and helping me pick the pieces up again, you started looking at other girls and questioning our relationship. You got angry randomly about things that I said or things that I did. You never had time for me, not when I was in the emergency room, and not when I needed you most, and t instead there was always the excuse to not treat me correctly.

As time passed on, you looked at me and called me, the person you said that you loved, that I had no right being on a study abroad trip because I was stupid. You said that you would look at other girls because they were more “attractive.” I watched you look at so many other girls, girls you told me you’d rather be dating, girls that while you were radio silent to me, you would message them (yes, that’s defined as emotionally cheating). While I suffered in silence, forgotten, discarded.

You were angry with me every single day. In your eyes, everything I did was wrong. Whether it was making a joke in class, how I was feeling, what my decisions were for myself, even what type of Mio I put in my water, all of it wrong. You would constantly ridicule me about myself. Behind closed doors, nothing about me was perfect, unless you wanted something from me, and tear down the essence of who I was. You started hating everything about me and then made up lies as to who I am.

Finally, I started to question you. Why? Why was everything I did and said wrong? Why did it matter that I made a joke in class? Why did it matter that I was just smiling? Why did it matter that I said “I love you” all the time? At the end of the day, I was left wondering, why does it matter that I am a person?

After this, you decided it was done, you were done. I was the one that tried everything and gave you everything. I was the one that was always there and always put my life on hold for you. I gave you everything and you just took. I gave you everything, but You were the one that decided that you were done trying. You told me that you were unhappy, but you never even mentioned how you thought I felt.

When you called me to question why I was confiding in my friends about the relationship, you said that we broke up because I was annoying, but that the things I did and said should not have annoyed you. Next, you are with a new girl the first day after a school break. I guess loving someone for a year does not mean anything. At least it did not for you. Yet, you still do not seem happy.

Now, I am just left wondering why nothing seems to matter to you but yourself.

Why did I let you in? I was happy and in control of myself. I was on top of my life. Then, you came along. You shattered every bit of self-esteem I had. You tore me down every single day with your words, your anger, your “jokes.” You said you loved me, but that was a lie. You said you would not move on for a while, but that was a lie. You said you would never hurt me, that is a lie. You promised me so much, but it was all a lie.

I am left with just me. However, I have realized that that is what makes me strong. I can be alone and figure out how to make my life better. I have already become a stronger woman as a result of you. I have become what you have never dreamed of. Now, without you, I realize that I am worth it. I realize that I am so important and that I always have my friends around to help me when I fall. I always have my family to love me no matter what joke I make or how many times I smile during a conversation. I realize that everything I do is not wrong and I have also realized that I feel sorry for you.

So here is to you, the person that broke me now, to the person that is still trying to hurt me to make himself feel strong and worthy of love.

Guess what? I am taking back my life and leaving you behind,

Jessica

* * *

So many people do not know what a toxic relationship and abuse is until everything has shattered around you and you are left alone and damaged. I was abused. My relationship was abusive.

According to The Center For Relationship Abuse Awareness, “relationship abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner.” The website goes on to add that abuse builds up over a large expanse of time, by the time it manifests, victims are in so deep, it may seem apparent from the outside, but when it’s happening to you it seems normal.

Abuse can happen in many forms.

This can happen to so many people.

It happened to me.

It is important to recognize the red flags and take action and understand that it is NEVER your fault.