With the recent news that four more sequels to "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" are in development, it is evident that J.K. Rowling has become the crazy ex-girlfriend who refuses to let go of a finished relationship. Since the completion of the "Harry Potter" film franchise in 2011, Rowling continues to write about the wizarding world through her dedicated Harry Potter website Pottermore. However, in recent years, Rowling has become obsessed with Potter, rapid firing tweets that illustrate the deep meaning hidden in her original seven books, deciding that Native American mythology would be better if she wrote it and penning a play entitled "Harry Potter and the Cursed Child" based on, you guessed it, Harry Potter's cursed child. Now with a major studio backing her obsession, Rowling will most likely write new Harry Potter books, I mean screenplays, for the rest of her life. Assuming that one day she magically runs out of ideas, here are the "Top 10 Harry Potter Spinoffs The World Needs."
1. Grindelback Mountain
Look dawg, everyone knows that Dumbledore is gay. I mean it was so OBVIOUS in the movies. Remember that one scene where Professor Snape asked him if he'd like any cheese on his salad and Dumbledore was like, "Nah, I'm good."? Classic gay. Everyone loved gay Dumbledore, with some even arguing that the best parts of the entire Harry Potter franchise were the scenes where Dumbledore was SUPER GAY. As such, I propose a film that focuses on Dumbledore's steamy homosexual relationship with his best friend Gellert Grindelwald. Not only would the film be super gay, but it'd also give Dumbledore a cool catchphrase: "Did you say Wingardium Leviosa? Because you're making my wand rise."
2. 12 Years A House Elf
Look fam, everyone knows house elves are basically slaves. I mean no elf, other than Will Ferrell, should have to live his whole life hoping that maybe one day some random kid will grant him a dirty sock to free him from his oppression. And while I'm sure not all slave owners were "bad people," I can't imagine a wizard employing an elf for the advancement of the elf's homemaking career. A dark mark in the history of the wizarding world, the struggles of the house elves is a story that needs to be told.
3. 1970
Look people, everyone knows the best movies are the ones where the entire world is in peril. There's no better cathartic pleasure than watching hordes of underdeveloped characters die on screen. Whether it be "Armageddon" or "This Is the End," everyone loves to just watch the world burn. Therefore, a movie about the year when He Who Shall Not Be Named But Is Named Voldemort Anyways took over the wizarding world as the Dark Lord would obliterate the box office. Now let me be clear, I don't want an interesting backstory about Voldemort that further develops his character's complexity. Rather, I simply want destruction on screen. BOOM! BANG! ONOMATOPOEIA! You know, the works.
4. Hogwarts: The First Class
Look over here, everyone knows making a period piece is the easiest way to win an Oscar. After 12 nominations, the Harry Potter franchise has yet to win a single Academy Award... until now. Set around the 10th century, Hogwarts: The First Class will chronicle the creation of the famous school, detailing the meeting of the four founders and the impetus for creating a school where 1/4 of the students are trained to become wizard Nazis. For historical accuracy, the film's cast will be composed of exclusively white actors, mainly males, which will further increase the film's Oscar chances.
5. Dawn of the Planet of Wizards
Look Lou, everyone knows wizards have been around for a long time, and I mean, a really long time. But when exactly in the historical timeline did wizards come about? Are wizards the next evolutionary step in the progression of mankind? If so, will survival of the fittest dictate the demise of mankind? The people need to get woke, and as such, a "Planet Earth" documentary is necessary to educate the masses about the fateful moment in history when wizardkind was born and the world was forever changed.
6. Potterlight
Look alive, everyone knows Ginny Weasley sucks in the Harry Potter movies. I can't really describe her, she's just sort of there. Oh and she married Harry Potter for some reason, probably because of true love or whatever. As much as I'd love to just use a time turner to have the snake finish the job in "The Chamber of Secrets," films revolving around strong, female characters seem to be the new fad in Hollywood. And since Emma is busy "fighting for gender equality," might as well use Ginny for a spinoff on her exploits as a strong, female Quidditch Reporter. Oh and since stable relationships are BORING, there'll be a hot, new reporter who leads Ginny away from Harry and makes her give into temptation.
7. Marauder House
Look through the glass and everyone knows James Potter was a lady-killer back in the day. I mean his Patronus was a stag so you know he was swimmin' in women. Proud, arrogant and obnoxious, it's a miracle James isn't already a worldwide sex symbol. That'll all change with "Marauder House," a film about James and his bros Remus, Sirius and Peter marauding women at House parties, after Quidditch games and during the Start-of-Term Feast. And although they might use unforgivable curses or illegal potions to lure girls into their bedchambers, remember that just because they're up to no good, doesn't mean they're no good. Marauders will be marauders.
8. My Worst Friend's Wedding
Look at the bright side, everyone knows James eventually settled and married Lily Evans, but in a shocking twist, it was revealed in "Harry Potter and the Start of a Trend Pt. 2" that Severus Snape also loved Lily. GASP! Looking at teenage emo Snape, it's obvious he doesn't stand a chance against THE James Potter. However, since everyone loves an underdog story, get ready for a romantic comedy about Snape's crazy, cooky antics to ruin his worst friend's wedding. Snape may later abuse students for years to come, but it's all in the name of unrequited love!
9. The Silence of the Goats
Look both ways before you cross and you'll see that everyone knows one of the most tragic love stories of all time is between Aberforth Dumbledore and his goats. The scandal that rocked the wizarding world, Aberforth just wanted some goat ass. Shocking, yet relatable, his story is begging for a film adaptation, one that truly delves into the underground world of bestiality. Although due to the risqué nature of the film, it may receive a PG-13 rating which could jeopardize its success at the box office. Nevertheless, in a few years, Aberforth should be coming to a goat near you!
10. Cats: A Harry Potter Musical
Looks can be deceiving but everyone knows the first sentence in the entire Harry Potter film franchise is, "Meow," said by none other than Professor McGonagall. No doubt profusely profound, this first sentence merits its own spinoff. It should explore the life of McGonagall in her days as a young cat trying to make a living in a dog-eat-dog world. Despite the film's title, the film will in no way be related to the musical Cats. Rather, the film will be based on J.K. Rowling's book Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats. It shall be a musical revolving around the relationship between cats and people and the not so different parallels between the two. It'll even feature a thrilling final number entitled "Finale: The Ranch Dressing of Cats."
