To the Girl that's never enough:
I know that everyday you struggle to look in the mirror. I know it's because you're scared. You're scared to be disappointed, you're scared that you won't like what you see, you're afraid of yourself. You constantly check your reflection, trying to keep every hair in place, you try to make your skin seem perfect. As the self loathing doesn't ease up, you continue on your checklist; the right amount of eye liner, the perfect smile, the "effortless" look that makes you so upset because it required so much work. You try really hard to get your outfit perfect; always aiming for pretty, fun, and causal. You hope to accomplish all this, but make it seem like it took seconds. You feel somewhat accomplished, then it's time to leave. Your day usually starts with you accepting the fact that what you've got to offer is the best you can do that day. Sometimes you wonder why you even try at all. Getting to school is fine, until you start. There's a girl in your class wearing a baseball cap and a t-shirt and she looks ten times better than you do in the outfit you carefully picked out last night. You sink a little inside, you wonder what it would be like to be so naturally beautiful, to not even have to try. You continue on throughout your day, still comparing yourself to every pretty face you see. You question your worth over and over every single time you see another girl. You secretly wonder how you would compare to her, "if she's an 8, does that make me a 2, or a 1?", as if there's some universal scale that actually exists.
Then it actually comes time for class. Again, you feel inadequate, especially in your major. You feel like no matter how hard you work, no matter how much study/practice you do, you'll never be the best you can be. You half expect your professors and peers to disregard and disrespect you completely, because you can't even respect yourself. You ask yourself, "What am I doing here?" on a daily basis and wonder how can you be so incompetent. You worry about the GRE, grad school, and your future. You feel like no matter where you are whether you're at work, class, with friends, or at home, that you really want to be somewhere else. You just don't know where that someplace is.
That's where you're at in life, a place you don't know or understand. You wish you knew what to do to fix it, but you just can't. You feel it though, that there's something about to change in your life. 'You've been waiting for a new opportunity to come your way. You're ready to take it.
If this sounds like you then you're not alone, I think that most people do feel this way. We're all sort of learning how to go with the flow and be the best versions of ourselves we can. Like you, I'm ready for new opportunities and adventures. I'm ready to be completely consumed by my life, every minute of it. I want to be present, for every moment and really enjoy it. Whether I'm at work watching the clock, or in class doing the same; I want to live. And I hope you do too. I hope you desire to make the most out of your life and truly live it to the fullest. I know it won't be easy at first, things take time. Just promise me one thing? If you have the opportunity to experience something that makes you happy, you'll do it.
Love,
Hannah
