To My Mother When She Thinks She Has Failed

I know, I know — you always think I don't notice when you try to hide the way your beautiful smile slowly falls when one of us yells at you because, “You don't understand! You'll never understand!"

Or the way you pretend to laugh and brush it off when somebody tells you that you didn't do something the right way, but then follows it up with a, “But, that's OK, don't worry."

I promise, I see it all. But no matter what you convince yourself over and over again when you feel like you've done nothing but fail as my mother, it's all complete nonsense. You are the most loving and kind soul that I have ever known, and the only person I would ever want to call my mom.

Over the years, you've had to take on a lot. You went through it all with your kids, all of the phases of teenage, my-life-is-ending, drama. And I must say, I'm truly impressed with your talent in tackling those battles with such grace and dexterity. You hit it out of the ballpark in the 'motherly-advice' department.

One thing I do have to get off my chest, however, is an apology.

An apology for all of the years I put you through of making you even have to feel like you have failed in the first place. All of the times I told you that you wouldn't be able to help me, it was only because I was hurting. I was confused, and nothing anybody said was the right thing.

But I promise you helped me so much.

I wish I could go back and tell myself all of the things that I know now, that you were always trying to tell me from the start. But that's how you learn I guess, just like you did.

I'm sorry that there are days that I am not as loving and kind and caring as you have raised me to be. I'm sorry that there are days that I am angry at the whole world for no reason at all. But more than anything,

I'm sorry that when those things happen, I allow myself to hurt you as a result of it as well.

You have a bigger heart than I even knew there was enough room for in a single human body cavity, and to think that I could ever hurt you shatters mine entirely. So I hope you forgive me for the times that I am not loving and kind and caring, like the person I strive every day to be.

(Spoiler alert: the person is you!!)

I guess what I'm trying to say through all of this is, you are extraordinary. You are the most sensational and completely remarkable woman I have ever seen, and I thank God every single day that I have you to thank for raising me into the person I am. You have never, and I mean never, failed as a mother.

Everything you have done for me throughout all of the years of my life is more than I even knew anyone was capable of. You have given me everything and more, and you have never for a single second let me down.

I am forever grateful to you and all that you are. I hope you take a second each day to reflect on the effortlessly wonderful person that you are. I aspire to be half of the woman you are one day, but I don't know if anyone could possibly fill shoes that big. I love you with every fiber of my existence. I won't ever know of a day that I won't.

Thank you for always making me so proud.