Dear First Love, Falling In Love With You Was A Mistake

The first time I wrote this, expletives were the only things I could think of. In my mind, you didn't deserve the real words, the hurt, the pain, you know the real feelings that I felt due to your foul treatment. The things that you put me through, I wouldn't wish on someone I hate but that may be because I'm a good person. That may be because I wouldn't want anyone to experience that pain and humiliation.

Let's take a memory trip. I met you during the first couple month of my freshman year and in the rush of emotions that I had coming in to high school led me to get a boyfriend. He wasn't someone I really liked or even wanted to like really but he liked me and that's kinda what mattered to me at the time.

So before I could really have my first real relationship in high school, you swooped in and promptly ruined it for me. You told me that if I really liked him that things would be different and that I would feel different. You were right, I didn't like him, but that wasn't for you to destroy, it was for me to figure out. And so our story began, with one ruined relationship.

If anyone has been following along to the things I write, you might know that I went to a residential school. I lived across from my first love for two whole years and attended school with them for three because they were in the grade above me. So, first love of mine, it doesn't end there. Next was the on and off pester for the attention that I willingly and without question gave to you. It was like taking candy from a baby for you but with the added advantage of being able to torture me with it.

The single word texts were like morsels of bread when that bread was all I could get and the cursory glances were the small amount of water. And so it made me want more. To be honest, I should have listened to everyone else that said that you were by far the worst thing for me but I couldn't, not with the teasing effect you had. The mistake I could have made for you were endless.

I had a relationship that you left alone for a while, it was a great relationship too. I actually like this boy and would have stayed on the phone for hours, time permitting. And yet you had to creep your way into it. You weaseled your way into getting me to talk to you again, and I knew it was a matter of time before the relationship was going to be over and that was on what could be called borrowed time.

The end of this relationship hurt, the kind that drove me straight to you. I must have been pretty foolish at that time because that's exactly what I did. And this time small chats and sideways glances turned into stairwell meetings and me going to tutoring sessions that I didn't need to go to, asking pointless questions about things I already understood.

Sophomore year might have been the ugliest of them all. This was the year that we were still living across from each other and you would use that to your advantage. For those of you who aren't "Milts," there were Movie Nights where you would go to the Elementary Schools and watch a school sponsored movie with your friends. There's one specific time I went and saw a movie, I tried to ignore you and was successful for the movie since you ignored me. After the movie, whole different story.

Everyone started to walk home but you want to talk to me about someone I was recently seeing, someone you used to live with. We were planning on going to the prom together and everything. I shouldn't have trusted it. So we were walking a different way home and you tried to get me to crack, to give up to you. When I didn't and it was sort of evident I would, you made it sound like I did. You spread a rumor that we did it behind the visitor side bleachers that night and I didn't go to prom that year. Good times.

Finally, the last year of our tragic story together: Junior year. It should be a surprise that I was proud of you for making it that far. We were on alright terms and the year went relatively smooth, I didn't try to have a serious relationship and our on and off thing was still happening, unfortunately. I don't know why I didn't see it coming but the look you gave me to was like magic for me. Too bad magic doesn't exist and I should have relied on reason.

So there we are, stairwell meetings and all, coexisting. And amidst this harmony and peacefulness, I realize the worst mistake I ever made in my life was falling in love with you. By the end of the year, just weeks before you left my life forever by graduating, I came to a terrible conclusion that I had to tell you. So I wrote it all out in a letter, wrote that in a card, snuck in some Brisk Tea and a candy bar, and admitted the worst thing I had ever decidedly done. For months leading up to that moment, you had been baiting me with the phrase "You know you love me" and the words still haunted for almost an entire year after words.

For a while, it was hard to explain all of that. But, in wake of getting most of it down, it feels better. The sting has been gone but the remaining pain is now also gone.