Dear First Love, Falling In Love With You Was A Mistake
Start writing a post

Dear First Love, Falling In Love With You Was A Mistake

Making this a public thing because I'm so over holding it in.

Dear First Love, Falling In Love With You Was A Mistake

The first time I wrote this, expletives were the only things I could think of. In my mind, you didn't deserve the real words, the hurt, the pain, you know the real feelings that I felt due to your foul treatment. The things that you put me through, I wouldn't wish on someone I hate but that may be because I'm a good person. That may be because I wouldn't want anyone to experience that pain and humiliation.

Let's take a memory trip. I met you during the first couple month of my freshman year and in the rush of emotions that I had coming in to high school led me to get a boyfriend. He wasn't someone I really liked or even wanted to like really but he liked me and that's kinda what mattered to me at the time.

So before I could really have my first real relationship in high school, you swooped in and promptly ruined it for me. You told me that if I really liked him that things would be different and that I would feel different. You were right, I didn't like him, but that wasn't for you to destroy, it was for me to figure out. And so our story began, with one ruined relationship.

If anyone has been following along to the things I write, you might know that I went to a residential school. I lived across from my first love for two whole years and attended school with them for three because they were in the grade above me. So, first love of mine, it doesn't end there. Next was the on and off pester for the attention that I willingly and without question gave to you. It was like taking candy from a baby for you but with the added advantage of being able to torture me with it.

The single word texts were like morsels of bread when that bread was all I could get and the cursory glances were the small amount of water. And so it made me want more. To be honest, I should have listened to everyone else that said that you were by far the worst thing for me but I couldn't, not with the teasing effect you had. The mistake I could have made for you were endless.

I had a relationship that you left alone for a while, it was a great relationship too. I actually like this boy and would have stayed on the phone for hours, time permitting. And yet you had to creep your way into it. You weaseled your way into getting me to talk to you again, and I knew it was a matter of time before the relationship was going to be over and that was on what could be called borrowed time.

The end of this relationship hurt, the kind that drove me straight to you. I must have been pretty foolish at that time because that's exactly what I did. And this time small chats and sideways glances turned into stairwell meetings and me going to tutoring sessions that I didn't need to go to, asking pointless questions about things I already understood.

Sophomore year might have been the ugliest of them all. This was the year that we were still living across from each other and you would use that to your advantage. For those of you who aren't "Milts," there were Movie Nights where you would go to the Elementary Schools and watch a school sponsored movie with your friends. There's one specific time I went and saw a movie, I tried to ignore you and was successful for the movie since you ignored me. After the movie, whole different story.

Everyone started to walk home but you want to talk to me about someone I was recently seeing, someone you used to live with. We were planning on going to the prom together and everything. I shouldn't have trusted it. So we were walking a different way home and you tried to get me to crack, to give up to you. When I didn't and it was sort of evident I would, you made it sound like I did. You spread a rumor that we did it behind the visitor side bleachers that night and I didn't go to prom that year. Good times.

Finally, the last year of our tragic story together: Junior year. It should be a surprise that I was proud of you for making it that far. We were on alright terms and the year went relatively smooth, I didn't try to have a serious relationship and our on and off thing was still happening, unfortunately. I don't know why I didn't see it coming but the look you gave me to was like magic for me. Too bad magic doesn't exist and I should have relied on reason.

So there we are, stairwell meetings and all, coexisting. And amidst this harmony and peacefulness, I realize the worst mistake I ever made in my life was falling in love with you. By the end of the year, just weeks before you left my life forever by graduating, I came to a terrible conclusion that I had to tell you. So I wrote it all out in a letter, wrote that in a card, snuck in some Brisk Tea and a candy bar, and admitted the worst thing I had ever decidedly done. For months leading up to that moment, you had been baiting me with the phrase "You know you love me" and the words still haunted for almost an entire year after words.

For a while, it was hard to explain all of that. But, in wake of getting most of it down, it feels better. The sting has been gone but the remaining pain is now also gone.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Content Inspiration

Top Response Articles of This Week

Kick off spring with these top reads from our creators!

Hand writing in a notepad

Welcome to a new week at Odyssey! The warmer weather has our creators feeling inspired, and they're here with some inspiration to get your Monday going. Here are the top three articles of last week:

Keep Reading... Show less

No Sex And Upstate New York

A modern-day reincarnation of Carrie Bradshaw's classic column


Around the age of 12, when I was deciding whether or not to be gay, Satan appeared on my left shoulder. “Ramsssey,” he said with that telltale lisp. “Come over to our side. We have crazy partiessss.” He made a strong case, bouncing up and down on my shoulder with six-pack abs and form-fitting Calvin Kleins. An angel popped up on the other shoulder and was going to warn me about something, but Satan interrupted- “Shut up, you crusty-ass bitch!’ The angel was pretty crusty. She disappeared, and from that moment forward I was gay.

Keep Reading... Show less

To The Classes That Follow

I want you to want to make the most of the years that are prior to Senior year

To The Classes That Follow
Senior Year Is Here And I Am So Not Ready For It

I was you not that long ago. I was once an eager freshman, a searching sophomore, and a know-it-all junior. Now? Now I am a risk taker. Not the type that gets you in trouble with your parents, but the type that changes your future. Senior year is exciting. A lot of awesome things come along with being the top-dog of the school, but you, right now, are building the foundation for the next 4 years that you will spend in high school. I know you've heard it all. "Get involved", "You'll regret not going to prom", "You're going to miss this". As redundant as these seem, they're true. Although I am just at the beginning of my senior year, I am realizing how many lasts I am encountering.

Keep Reading... Show less

The Power Of Prayer Saved My Best Friend's Life

At the end of the day, there is something out there bigger than all of us, and to me, that is the power of prayer.

Julie Derrer

Imagine this:

Keep Reading... Show less

Why Driving Drives Me Crazy

the highways are home


With Halloween quickly approaching, I have been talking to coworkers about what scares us. There are always the obvious things like clowns, spiders, heights, etc. But me? There are a number things I don't like: trusting strangers, being yelled at, being in life or death situations, parallel parking. All of these are included when you get behind the wheel of a car.

Keep Reading... Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments