You hear stories, you hear the memories, you hear the love you had, but you don't make the memories or feel the love. You don't see the person in the stands cheering you on. You don't see the person holding that camera smiling back at you at graduation. You don't see the person next to you walking you down the aisle. 18 years later and that's me, I don't see you.
I've felt an overwhelming amount of emotion towards you. Maybe it's out of sadness, pain or anger, I don't know. I realize there are huge things that you have missed out on. And I miss you, more than you'll ever know. I miss what you, could have been. I miss the person that I would have been, had you been there. I ask myself weekly if you look down on me. If I make you smile or laugh or hell proud. That what I am doing down here, making you proud.
I've joined the army, I graduated, I am going to college, I am working, I am volunteering. Does that make you proud? Does that make you happy?
I wonder what your voice sounded like. How tall I would have been next to you. I wonder how you would have raised me, how you would have handled my emotional breakdowns every four seconds. I wonder how you would have scared the boys away but then mend my heartbreak at the end of the day.
I wonder what it would have been like on graduation day or the day I left for boot camp. I wonder what you would have been like dad. I wonder every day the what if's, the could have been, the I love you's, the dad hugs, the memories, the laughs, the stories, the love. I will continue to wonder. Continue to make you proud. Continue to say I love you and I hope you're watching. I'll continue to hear the stories, hear the memories, hear the love you has. I'll continue to try to fill the big shoes you had. I will continue to be the person that you were.
The smart, kind, strong, brave, loving, genuine, supportive, funny, person you were, dad. Every day I will wonder but every day I will walk in your footsteps. And every day I will love you till the day we meet again.
Love your little girl here on earth.