There are some nightmares you never want to come true, nor could imagine, especially when you can't just close your eyes and go back to sleep. 7 a.m., August 5, 2017, a wake-up call I never imagined to open my eyes too.
That morning, my nightmare became a reality, as my mom ran through the door, releasing words," your dad is gone, he has gone to the angels." As the words poured out of her mouth, my body became numb, my brain stopped working, and I collapsed to the floor within seconds.
My world came crashing down within a matter of four words that dispersed from my mother's mouth.
You never realize how precious life is until someone who brought you into this world, is gone. The endless thoughts came to my head, as I came to the realization that I would never get to hear your voice again, hug you, be around you, but what hurt the most was that I was never able to say goodbye to you, dad, for the last time.
When you're 20 years old, heading into your senior year of college, the last thing one could expect is entering one of the most important years without your hero by your side.
Since I was a little girl I built a life in my head and had big dreams of graduating college, falling in love, experiencing the daddy-daughter dance at my wedding one day, bringing up children in this crazy world the way my parents raised me, with them by my side, and creating my own legacy, just like my dad did. But as most know, life happens and tragedies occur. Unfortunately, mine just happened to occur, right when my life was about to take off.
The day I lost you, my heart had officially experienced true heartbreak.
A feeling that I could've never fathomed, I couldn't shake the thought that I was never going to see you again. There wasn't going to be anymore I Love Lucy marathons, endless talks on the phone about life and where it was going, or the simple fact that I would never have a dad that was by my side through my roller coaster of a life.
They say with time it will get easier, but it seems to have only gotten harder.
The "firsts" were extremely difficult.
Your first birthday, my first, Christmas as the traditions rolled in, yet you were nowhere to be found to help me fulfill them, my siblings big huge promotion, mom's first valentines day without your flowers,meeting someone who means the world to me and not having the opportunity to introduce you, my cousins beautiful wedding, and me entering the "real" world without you guiding me on what the heck to do.
But, I think the most difficult was when I walked across the graduation stage and although you were with me in spirit, I always looked forward to the day I could run up to you and yell WE DID IT!
It's hard to believe it's been two years when every day I feel a piece of me missing and knowing that there will forever be a hole in my heart. No one prepares you for this, not even you could've prepared me for this and it's the scariest feeling in the world knowing, you are gone forever.
Im terrified that one day, life will get to complicated, and I won't be able to remember what your hugs feel like, your old shirts that still have your scent on them will slowly fade, and your voice will disappear as I remember you telling me the last time you loved me.
Jealousy arises when I see my friends with their dads, posts on Father's Day, and as sad as this is, the fact my older sibling got 6 more years then I did with you.
I will never truly understand why you were taken from me at such a young age and to be honest I don't think I will ever accept it. It's been two years, and I still imagine waking up from this nightmare I feel like I've been living because even though there are really good days, there will always be that hole, I have to live with.
It hurts to write this because it feels as if yesterday I was waking up to the worst day of my life. I'm still fragile daddy, and I'm scared it will never get better.
I just want to thank you for giving me the best life your little girl could've ever imagined, leaving me with the best mom and brother, the best of friends I can ALWAYS count on, but most importantly all of our memories we experienced together for the twenty years of my life.
I would do anything just to get the chance to say goodbye, but, just know, I will be okay because I know you are with me, even at the hardest times. You raised a warrior and I will forever try to make you proud of me.
Here's to you dad, you were taken away way to soon, but just know, your legacy continues every day and you are one missed human to not only me but everyone that ever met you.
Forever,
Your little pumpkin.
