There are some lessons you can't learn unless you just go through the experience. I was never prepared to lose you. I was never told how to handle it. I was never given a book to study or a date for the test. Losing you was one of those lessons. Years. It has literally been years since I've heard your laugh. Years since I saw your eyes crinkle when you smiled. Years since I saw the sparkle in your eye that I never realized I would miss so much. Time feels like it is standing still sometimes, and yet I know it is flying by. Words simply can't express how much I miss you. I always wanted you to be proud of me because yours was one of the few opinions that carried weight. I wish you were still here, everyday. I wish you were still here to guide me, and I wish you were still here to hear "thank you."
It sounds dramatic to say that a part of me died when you did, but it is absolutely true. I have a fire within me and the brightness dimmed, just a little bit. You made my world so vivid, bright and full of color, and I tasted darkness when you left us. Darkness had a cruel, dark sting on my tongue, bitter and unkind, and I was not sure how I would ever be okay. I can't verbalize it, just know that I've missed your presence.
I've grown into the kind of person that doesn't assign value to everyone else's opinion on how I should live my life. Yours did have value, though, and I have always wanted to know you would be proud of me, my decisions, and accomplishments. You were so smart, so wise, and quick as a whip. I wish with every choice I face that I could run by options by you, get your input and walk away with a point of view I had not had before. When you were here, I got to cheat life a little bit because I could count on you to have some of the answers. It was scary when I finally realized that was gone. Now that I'm older, I know a lot of our views on the world would greatly differ, but I still would give anything to have the chance to talk about the world with you. I don't even think I believe in Heaven, but you did, so I like to think you found your way there.
As sad as I get sometimes, I try my best to cope. It has been years and the loss still haunts me. If anyone ever tells you that grief goes away, they are lying. It gets easier to bear than it did in the beginning, but it is still mercilessly present. I don't feel as alone as I did. I know a part of your spirit lives on in me, and that's a torch I'm proud to carry. Sometimes I write you letters because it feels like I'm talking to you, and that feels a little like coming home. You had to leave me so early on, and I was still learning about who I was, fundamentally. I don't know if I ever thanked you I surely meant to. Just as there are no words to express my missing you, there are no words to express my gratitude to you. You taught me so much in so little time. You supported me in opening every door I thought would lead me somewhere. That is simple, undeniable proof of unconditional love, and I am so privileged to have had that from you. I miss you now and I will miss you always.
With so much love,
The Apple of Your Eye
