This season I have been stuck.
I have been stuck in a rut, stuck in my head and stuck trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I have been stuck on where I am and what situation I wish I could be in. One thing I am so tired of being is stuck. I want to un-stuck and free of being attached to any one thing at a time. I want to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time. This season has ignited a flame (a very tiny flame, the kind that a fly could blow out) inside of my heart and being surrounded by my family and those that love me and support me has fanned this flame. I am ready to start over.
For so long of my life, which isn't that long at all, I have been caught between who has influenced me and who I am influencing. I have a younger sister I want to be a positive influence for and I have many young cousins that I want to look up to me. I have been so concerned with who is watching me and what they see of me. As this year has progressed, this act has become exhausting. Trying to upkeep the facade that I am not a mistake-maker or a human beneath my brushed hair and dresses that I wear around family.
The truth is, I am a mess. I am an "all of my papers are on my desk because if I organize I'll lose everything" kind of gal. I brush my hair once in every four days and sometimes I wear the same pajamas two days in a row. This season, though so trying of my strength and willpower, has allowed me the opportunity to remind myself that I am allowed to be a mess and not have everything together. I don't always make the best decisions and sometimes (most times) I stay up too late and drink too much soda. I eat dessert first at college because my mom can't say I can't and I am hellbent on bringing all of the stray cats in my neighborhood home for the holidays and then some which are usually there about 2 minutes until my dad finds out and kicks my new child out. All I'm saying is that truly, I am a mess and a half and most of the time I'm a bundle of mistakes just barely holding it together with a combination of hair ties and friendship.
Somehow along the way of this life, I've lost myself. I forgot how I felt when life was a little easier and a little calmer and a little less stressful. I have to say, I think this might happen every time things get a little harder. I counter this by saying, though, I am ready for the challenge of finding myself all over again. If anything, I welcome it. If I have to lose my sense of self for a little while only to find it later and feel a little more at home in my body, then by golly, bring it on. I'm content with being a little lost so that later on I can be a little more found. A little more found, a little more fond of myself and much more excited to explore the possibility of living this life with each part of myself filled with who I want to be.
Essentially, I don't want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me.
This season, the season of love and giving and snow (despite Florida reaching NEW HIGHS), I want to feel that love that I've felt in my younger years. This season I want to believe in Santa Claus all over again. I want to wake up at 3 in the morning on Christmas and wake up my whole family and open presents. I want to hug a little tighter and hold hands a little longer. I want to create a new years resolution and promise myself not to go through with it. I want to be more excited to be myself and more enthusiastic when other people are being themselves.
This season I am starting over. I am restarting my ideas and my mindset and allowing myself the ability to mess up a little bit and start over. I'm allowing myself to be human and not try and put on this face that everything's perfect all of the time, that I'm perfect all of the time. I am okay with not being everything I want to be right now. I am okay with being who I am and working towards being more. I am so excited for what this journey will put me through, all the trials and the celebrations. I am ready to become myself again.
