It doesn't seem possible that another New Years is upon us.
I remember counting down to 2017 like it was yesterday! I made some resolutions-- ones I thought I'd actually keep. I also can say with certainty, and a little shame, that I was able to keep none of them. Honestly, I never can. Does the phrase "New Years Resolution" even cross anyone's mind between March and November? It seems like a concept that exists only in the months immediately surrounding January.
Alas, here's a timeline of when resolutions fizzle out.
1. January 1, 2018
Okay, I've planned my resolution, told all my friends, and even posted it on social media.
The majority of New Years Resolutions are to lose weight, break a bad habit, or just get a life. These goals can take more than a year to attain, so why count dates? It's more fun to dream about your resolution than to actually follow through with it. Growing up, bread was my friend and not my enemy. I miss those days.
The truth is, New Year's resolutions are just a time to dream about things we want, but putting action into those dreams makes me want to take a nap.
2. January 16, 2018
Nothing says New year's resolution like an unused gym membership. We all enjoy posting about the New Year being our the best one yet, but then why do we post the same phrase each year? After 20 plus New Years in my life, I still have never seen one person ever tell me that they kept their New Year's resolution. Telling people about your New Year's resolution is like saying you will volunteer more this year and suddenly a year goes by and you didn't have any time to do it.
3. February 1, 2018
Depression after the broken resolution sinks in early February. One month ago you thought that a gym membership or that Nicorette gum was going to work out? Now you are in your pajamas watching the super bowl, wishing you made better life choices. Don't fear! It's only been one month! You can start over again! Just don't post about it on social media this time. Plus, it's still cold out, so you can wear big puffy coats and jackets to hide those love handles.
4. February 15, 2018
Ah yes, the day after Valentine's day. You drank a whole bottle of two dollar red wine, ate a heart-shaped pizza, and a box of chocolates all by yourself. Wonderful, my clothes are still tight and my Tinder matches stopped replying to me. Maybe I could start my New Year's resolution now? It's not too late is it?
5. March 1, 2018
New Years who? Why am I seeing commercials to start working on my summer body? Wait, what was my new year's resolution again?
6. April 20, 2018
... No explanation necessary. At least one resolution gets broken on this day...or you know, a law or two.This date is always kind of a haze for everyone.
7. May 22, 2018
Summer is almost here?! This year is flying by! Why am I still being billed for that gym membership? I am too embarrassed to show my face or my double chin in that evil place!
8. September 1, 2018
Why are the trees changing colors?! Is it too late to start my resolution now? Mother nature needs to chill. Maybe I should check out this Orange Theory thing? I am done with theories, I need some therapy.
9. November 30, 2018
Where has this year gone?! I know I made bad decisions on Thanksgiving, but that doesn't mean I can't start getting ready for next year does it?
10. January 1st, 2019:
This is it, guys! I am serious this time. 2019 is my year! I am going to follow through this year, I promise. Seriously, I am not just going to post about it, I am going to do something about it.
11. December 12, 2019:
....at least I tried.
Let's start being realistic about New Years Resolutions. No more being drunk gluttonous fools up til December 31st, justifying it to ourselves by saying it's all going change come January 1st. You're better off taking it day by day, having small victories, trying to make better choices.
Happy New Year!
Shout out to Danny Litton for being the coauthor on this. :)
