I've always been one to hold on too tight to everything. My fear of giving up and letting go made me feel weak, insecure and cowardly. Maybe if I held tighter, pulled hard, kept closer it would all work itself out. While unable to release my grip, even when it no longer felt right, I thought I would lose part of myself making my heart unrecognizable. But I realized I lost more in the process of fighting for someone and something that no longer was there.
Three years is a while, whether it's on an off or not; It takes a toll on one's heart. As grateful as I am to have met someone who pushed me to achieve what I thought I couldn't, allowed me to open up and showed me a love I don't know if I'll find again there is some regret in me. The constant fighting, the small, hurtful remarks that were made and unwillingness to open to me, pushed me to a point where I was unsure if I'd ever return from. I fought to keep this kid in my life that would just throw in the towel when things went south, who cheated on me with a girl who he couldn't let go, who saw me at my worst and just fled.
It's a battle against myself, one I'm not sure if I'll ever win. I know it would be better for me to let go; I'd be able to grow more as a person without him, I'd be happier but I'm not sure if I will ever be able to. How do you tell yourself it is time to walk away? So many memories have been made and I wish there could be more.
I've come to realize that not everyone is born with a heart like mine that's willing to go through hell for someone they care so much about. I've come to realize that sometimes there are people you're going to care about that are not going to care about you in the same way.
"If it taught me one thing it was that I'm a fighter, that I'm a survivor and I'm one strong ass person who doesn't need no one in their life that's not willing to do the same as I would for them.