In my opinion one of the worst adult responsibilities is grocery shopping. I don't think I've ever had an enjoyable grocery shopping experience and these are usually the thoughts and situations I go throughwhile doing it:
1. Alright this is going to be a quick in and out trip. I got my list handy and this will go smoothly.
2. Mhm...should I grab a coupon book? Who am I kidding like I'm going to dig through that while pushing a cart and try to cut out the coupons by tearing them. We all know I suck at basic kindergarten tasks like folding and tearing.
3. Why do I always get the cart with the squeaky wheel?!
4. Pushing this cart is like pushing a dead body up the aisle...or so I would imagine that this would be similar to that. Seriously, I'm sweating pushing this uncooperative. Oh no wonder it's squeaky and hard to push; I got the cart with the wheel that is permanently lodged sideways. This is going great so far.
5. Ok, let's look at the list. Mhm...I only have about ten things on here but I remember I've been complaining I have nothing to eat for weeks. Maybe I'll just go down every aisle just to be sure.
6. I'm going to try to get healthy things like fruit and vegeta...holy crap! Is that the actual price for strawberries. This isn't a joke or anything? This is the real price? Okay never mind.
7. I know I don't need cookies...but maybe I should go down the aisle just in case I want some crackers or something. *Buys three containers of Oreos*.
8. Okay I know the thing I'm looking for is somewhere in these four aisles but I've gone through them five times and I'm starting to feel like people are judging me for not being able to find it. Maybe I should ask someone for help.
9. "Excuse me, ma'am..." okay I know she heard me and she just walked down that other aisle to avoid helping me. Now she made it awkward and I'm going to have to chase her to ask for help.
10. "Hey can you help me find something?" Oh jeez I picked probably the worst employee to ask for help. She looks like she hates me already and I haven't even asked yet. "Can you help me find this?" She's looking the same places I checked 10+ times. Oh god she's getting on her walkie-talkie and asking other employees now. Oh my god look at this mass search and hassle I've created just to find one thing on my list. I should leave.
11. Whew. Okay now that that's over I just need to finish shopping and then I can go home and do nothing the rest of the day.
12. Should I buy a gallon of milk or a half gallon? It always goes bad when I buy the gallon, but what if I eat more cereal than I'm anticipating. I don't want to have to come back...I'll get the gallon.
13. You can never have too many pizza rolls, hot pockets or microwave meals. I'm stocking up.
14. Ice cream. Do I have the freezer space for it? I'll make room. Maybe I should put some pizza rolls back.
15. Didn't I only have ten things on my list? How is my cart full right now?
16. Check out...should I use self-checkout or the cashier? If I use cashier I have to make awkward small talk, but if I do self-checkout it will take forever with this full cart. Awkward small talk it is.
17. "Did you find everything okay?"
"Yes." Except for that entire search that I caused involving all of your employees to drop what they were doing just to help me.
18. Wow! Look at those numbers go up! Maybe I should have just stuck to my list. "Your total is $250 and you saved $50 today." I could have saved $250 if I would have just ordered Dominos. They keep emailing me saying they miss me and looking at this price I'm starting to miss them too.
19. Try not to squish the bread or break any eggs this time when you are loading up the car.
20. Finally, I'm home. Oh. My. God. How can I turn 15 grocery bags into one trip up three flights of stairs? Time to become the human pack mule.
