I have now discovered something that makes me truly upset with the youth culture. I am talking about the absurd phrase “Netflix and chill.”

It all started when Dr. Murphy had assigned us to do an Informative Speech. With my first speech ending in glorious disaster, I was eager to get a fresh start. My first speech was almost completely improvised and, while my class loved it and reinforced my pending plan to become a stand-up comedian, I wanted a better shot at the barrel. Do people say that? Well they do now. Anyway, topics being hard to come by and 20 bucks a pop, I decided to do it on the internet’s effect on TV and film. So it was time to do my research.

I’m kidding. My research had been all of me going on YouTube and watching movie stuff because I like movies and damn well know what the internet is doing to them. So in my relaxation and watching of YouTube videos, I had discovered that people like to watch Netflix and chill. I was ECSTATIC! People were hanging out and watching TV! Had I died and gone to Heaven? (Which would have been a shame because I REALLY want to finish Game of Thrones and watch the new season of The Leftovers. Do they have TV in Heaven? Find out and comment below. I’m kidding, if you comment below, good for you, but I probs won’t read. Sorrrryyyy [valley girl style.]) The point was that imagining people planning and watching House of Cards or Orange is the New Black or whatever the heck gave my heart a wing. I was pretty happy with the kids these days.

But alas, my newfound hope had been demolished. I was informed that “Netflix and Chill” did not mean hanging out and watching Netflix. No, it actually meant “YOU, ME, SEX, NOW.” I was shocked at first; in complete denial. ‘Twas then when my friend said, “Tell Justice what Netflix and chill means.”

"Sex."

I was partly dumbfounded to say the least. Also thinking, “What if I included it in my speech?” Don’t be stupid. OF COURSE it’s going somewhere into the speech! You kidding!? It’s the perfect amount of funny whilst still being somewhat relevant.

The point of this article is for an effing rant! Why in the world is NETFLIX the codeword for sex!? Netflix has quality entertainment! “Oh yeah, bro, we totes watched Netflix and chilled! Like I stuck my Daredevil so far up her House of Cards! Oh my god it was so crazy!”

Listen, America. Why on earth would you use NETFLIX as a way to say you want to bang? I, being innocent-minded when it comes to film and television, would hate to show up, expecting to watch Netflix, only to see a beautiful nude woman in front of me. That was NOT part of the plan! Now if you want to watch a couple episodes of House of Cards first, then we can see what happens, but you can’t just spring it on me!

Listen, I have nothing against nude women (or men, if that's your thing... or chihuahuas), but if you are going to do something like this, how about you utilize something not so frequently used? That is why, my fellow SAU folk, I am going to jumpstart a different, better phrase for getting it nasty. Use any of these to further your nasty-getting pleasures:

1. Chromecasting: Code for “futuristic banging” (Google Glass? More like Google Ass!)
2. HBO NOW I’M READY
3. Amazon Instant Video: also known as AIV or HIV because you know you got it after this encounter
4. Vudu my dudu in your hoohoo

And last, but not least, the pièce de résistance:

5. Hulu and chill (Because NOBODY watches Hulu)

Well, guys, there you have it! I think now I can be at peace knowing that you folks will make this wonderful and forward thinking change. Thanks for your reading minutes. This is Justice Seymour, signing off. Live long and don’t say "Netflix and chill."