Anyone on the journey to weight loss and living a healthier life knows it is anything but easy. The temptation to consume the delicious but sadly fattening food that got you here is all around, with commercials and billboards. The drive to go to the gym is truly hard to come by some days. Insecurities creep in when you're trying to give it your all.
That's from a wider scope. Personally, I have already had some snags on my trek to a slimmer body and better mind. I've eaten more than I should have, I'm constantly comparing myself to my trainer who has a body I only wish of having. Not only her but a great majority of the girls I see at the gym. "Why are you here? You don't need to be here." I know this is an ignorant thought but I can't help to think about it.
I can't stop thinking how much farther I have to go, instead of complimenting myself on giving up the soda I used to drink every day. I was used to eating a plate of pasta every day that's a thing of the past. Even the cups upon cups of sugary juice I used to down with no problem-I have said goodbye. I have made many changes to my eating habits that many can't bring themselves to do. This, and many other things I need to keep in mind as I go down this road.
Probably the most important thing to remember is to give myself credit. Food was an addiction for me and still is. It controlled my emotions and was my way of dealing with anything bad that happened to me. If I didn't have sugar, I got even more depressed. And speaking of depressed, that was at an all-time high. That, and not being able to look at me in the dressing rooms at the mall. I would turn and change.
My therapist recommended me for pills. I went home and got some fast food and then topped it off with half a carton of ice cream. And then I said enough. I am not going to become a slave to my mental illness, and I am not going to continue my bad habits that lead to my horribly low self-esteem, which in turn leads to deeper depression. I am not going to be a statistic. Food makes me "happy" but becoming a better me would last a lot longer.
That took strength. That took a lot of freaking willpower. I need to stop asking myself why I still have this huge belly pouch hanging over my pants, and tell myself: "hey, soon it'll be gone!" I need to remind myself how I don't hate my body as much when I see the overweight girl in the mirror because at least I'm doing something about it now. I am on the right path, and I can't let any pessimistic thoughts get me down.
I also need to remember to stop comparing myself to fitness gurus on Instagram, or perfectly toned girls at the gym. I don't know anyone's story. I don't know anyone's insecurities. A lot of these women have done years of hard work to get to where they are now. They deserve credit, but they aren't perfect. Everyone has their flaws and everyone has their vices. Whenever I get a twinge of jealousy at seeing a girl half my size doing the exercises I am doing, I should think this. "Maybe being at the gym and working on herself helps her just as much as it helps me." Some say the journey to the perfect body never ends. We're all in this together.
Another thing that I have to keep in mind is to not fall off the wagon if I had one bad day. Recently, my car was towed and virtually un-drivable. I was stressed for two days and couldn't go to the gym. So, I did a bit of overeating. I should not return to my old ways! I just need to get back up on the horse and start again. The hole is easy to slip back into, but I have to reiterate why I started this in the first place. A few extra calories aren't the end of the world and I shouldn't just give up, or feel like a failure. It happens to literally everyone.
And finally, I need to be honest about a thought I have. Recently on social media, I see so many weight loss transformations and it's so incredible to see. 300+ pounds to like, 180. And that's all I see. I don't see any moms who just need to lose 10. I don't see the girl who seems perfectly healthy with the right amount of clothes on, but underneath and behind closed doors, she's sad and insecure. I don't see ME.
I sometimes feel that my journey isn't as important as anyone else's, or that no one will see mine as an accomplishment because I didn't start off a certain weight. I've heard it a million times over. "If you aren't plus sized then you have nothing to worry about." "You aren't even that bad." "You're fine, stop."
Okay, but what about the fact that I have never worn a bikini? What about the fact that I wear my skirts and shorts so ridiculously high up to hide my stomach. Or how about the self-hatred that has been bubbling up inside me for years, to the point where I self-harmed for years and even swallowed a crap ton of pills because I didn't want to see my own face anymore?
Since I started this journey, I feel better. I feel like I might be worth something. I'm not purely disgusted when I look in the mirror. I see hope, I see progress. I see a change. And in that way, this adventure IS important, no matter my size. If it's important to me, I don't care what anyone else may think. The happiness I'll feel at achieving my fitness goal will be the ultimate prize. My true smile will shine in my after picture. I cannot wait to get there.
Pace yourself. Don't look back. And remember your why. Mine is #fortheafterpicture.