Here’s 12 things that go wrong on Christmas Day, for almost everyone, to make your dysfunctional holiday seem a little more normal:

1. The Grinch of the family refuses to wake up on time.

It’s 7 a.m. and you are ready to get GOING, ready to rip into some PRESENTS, and either one of your folks or one of your siblings refuses to get out of bed. Come on now, who can really WAIT when we’ve waited all night to see what Santa is going to bring?!

2. The family pet steals and swallows an unholy amount of wrapping paper.

Uh, wrapping paper comes from trees, so it’s just like eating a salad, right? We’re fine, Biscuit’s fine, everything’s fine.

3. That sweater you bought someone doesn’t actually fit.

You could’ve SWORN they said they were a medium—you start to think maybe they lied to you on purpose so that they could exchange whatever you get them no matter what. Clever, very clever. You make a note to yourself to lie about your shirt size for next year.

4. One of the older relatives doesn’t stick to the gift list you provided.

You really don’t want to be a brat, but you can’t help but be annoyed that now you’re holding an 80's style jumpsuit when all you really wanted was a gift card to Target. It’s the thought that counts though, right? Sigh.

5. Aunt Polly stains your cheek with lipstick.

And that shit just does not come OFF. What does she use as lipstick—pink gorilla glue??

6. Uncle Joe gets drunk off of eggnog martinis.

Or Aunt Joanne does. Either way, someone is having more fun on Christmas than they’re supposed to. Maybe they misunderstood and thought someone said to get into the holiday *spirits* instead of the holiday *spirit*.

7. You overdose on mashed potatoes at Christmas dinner.

Honestly, is this really something going wrong though?

8. Someone brings up your relationship status over dinner.

Where are those eggnog martinis when you need them??

9. And then, you overdose on Christmas cookies.

You would think you would have learned your lesson from the inescapable stomach cramps after Christmas dinner, but no. There’s always room for more self-hatred when dessert comes around.

10. The Christmas game gets a little too wild.

I didn't come to Christmas to make friends, I came to WIN.

11. Anyone ends up under the mistletoe at all.

Even if that person is your SPOUSE, the mistletoe rule is embarrassing as hell.

12. Somebody lets it slip to one of the little ones that Santa isn’t real.

Unless one of the littles ones is reading this list… in which case, Santa is definitely real and I am 3000% joking.

Merry Christmas, and may Santa find the jolliest bunch of assholes on each side of every nuthouse.