College is a beautiful time in life, full of experiences to last you a lifetime -- the crisp fall air as you walk to class, the muffled cries during exam week and the faint but unmistakable vomit smell in every club bathroom. You learn how to handle your booze (maybe) and not to touch the sleeping student in the library. You will also probably get to move every eight months and somehow, want to die. Every. Single. Time. Here's a long but not comprehensive list of the things I would much rather be doing.
1. Cook a 10 inch thick steak over a lighter.
2. Put that lighter to my eye when I'm done.
3. Walk on a tightrope, wearing a Pride flag and pasties, over a pit of 60-something hyper-conservatives.
4. Kiss a toad with herpes.
5. Ask a Ouija board anything.
6. Click the link Rhonda sent me for some free Viagra.
7. Eat raw, expired meat.
8. Work with Paris Geller on a school project.
9. Put my ear against the speaker for an entire Bassnectar concert.
10. Go free climbing in the deepest part of the Grand Canyon.
11. Give Helen Keller a high five on national TV.
12. Spend the night with Regan from the Exorcist.
13. Tell Emily Gilmore that Pennliyn Lott's house is better decorated.
14. Explain Quantum Physics to Patrick Star.
15. Drive from the North Pole to the South Pole.
16. Build a bridge to drive on from the North Pole to the South Pole.
17. Build an airplane to fly from pole to pole instead.
18. Build the airports to land it at.
19. Read "Aviation and Bridges for Dummies" cover to cover to learn how to do any of that.
20. Carry Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson up eight flights of stairs.
21. Drink an entire bottle of Absinthe.
22. Top it off with another bottle of Moonshine.
23. Then give a concert in Madison Square Garden...
24. ...Naked.
25. Send Hillary Clinton my bank login, SSN and Facebook password by email.
26. Let my 2-year-old niece use my makeup brushes for painting.
27. Go to my wedding in a morphsuit.
28. Cry over micro-penises at a job interview.
29. Give up bread.
30. Break every single one of my toes.
31. Go to the hospital for diarrhea.
32. Introduce a prostitute to my family as my fiancee.
33. Let my dad follow me on Tumblr.
34. Read the dictionary line by line in Yiddish.
35. Pick Donald Trump to judge a bikini contest...
36. ...of overweight women...
37. ...and choose to participate.
38. Convert to Satanism.
39. Sleep on a bed of tacks.
40. Color code Hillary Clinton's pantsuits.
41. Squat and cough.
42. Get a hot sauce enema.
43. Play tennis with Venus and Serena.
44. Play target practice with the NRA...
45. ...as the target.
46. Pet the raccoon in Elf.
47. Give my two-year-old niece a balloon for her birthday...
48. ...and take her to an acupuncture exposition.
49. Put a red sock in the wash with my wedding dress.
50. Change my great grandmother's Depends.
