Things I wish I Said
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Health and Wellness

Things I Wish I Had Said

I wish you knew what those endless nights meant to my ever fragile heart.

Things I Wish I Had Said

I wish I had told you what I saw when I would stare at every inch of your face. The time I took committing every detail to memory. I could feel myself finding a home within your eyes. The ones that stared back at me with amusement. When you laid your head on my chest and allowed me to lull you to sleep. That with each stroke of your hair I could feel myself falling deeper and deeper into the spell that some call love.

I wish I had told you how much those moments meant to me. The ones where I let myself bask in the warmth your soul provided. Those moments when I let myself be completely vulnerable to you. The moments when I'd stare at you and wish your lips upon mine, all the while trying to master the art of telling you without words. When I'd stare up at you and smile in pure happiness and bliss.

I wish you knew what those endless nights meant to my ever-fragile heart. Where you would hold the ice I call a body and warm me to the core. Each night of new discoveries and laughter breaking off a layer of the wall I built to protect me. Watching the movies that I forced you to watch and staying awake to finish them even after I had fallen asleep.

I wish I had fought for your affection. Knowing in my heart that what I grew to hold so dear was never really mine to have. I wish I hadn't backed down so soon without telling you my part.

I wish I had told you that when we fought over that pillow, it meant more to me than you will ever know. Not because I'm scared of rejection, but because I'm afraid I'll lose what I have left of you to cherish.

I wish I had told you everything about me. All the secrets I hold close to my heart. The unspoken trust that you gained by just being you. I would tell you anything, all you had to do was ask.

I wish I had told you what you meant to me, but I know it would have made no difference. You see, love, you were never mine to be had and I was nothing more than a possibility that had no real chance of being anything more. Your heart had already been claimed and named and branded all over. I was trying to fight a house fire with a single bucket of water and hoping to win.

You see, though I wish I said all of these things and told you how I feel, I know deep down that your choice will remain the same. It's not hard to see why you went to her when she called. She is the siren that calls you to shore and little by little breaks your ship against the rocks until she is the only one who can rescue you. Her beauty and essence is one that no one can replicate. It's one I couldn't replicate even if I tried. I only wish you still find yourself thinking of the brief time when you were mine and the possibilities of what could have been.

My dearest friend, even as you push me away and reduce our friendship down, I still cannot shake the feeling I get when you cross my mind. You are infuriating. You drive me crazy. You piss me off. You make me cry. You make me wish I had never met you. You make me question everything I've ever known. Yet, you make me smile. You make me laugh. You make my days brighter.

I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you met me when you should have been with her. I'm sorry that I let you in too soon. I'm sorry I asked you to come over so much, I was just intoxicated by your presence. I'm sorry that I miss you more than you miss me. I'm sorry for caring too much. I'm sorry for pretending I don't care at all. I'm so sorry for it all, but I'm not sorry for the way I feel about you.

I know this might not mean much. Many taking this for a teenage girl who thinks she's in love but is too young to know what love feels like. Some of you may think I'm dramatizing my words for the poetic effect. But I know the truth behind my feelings. I am the only one who knows the truth and extent of the way you make me feel. I don't need my feelings reciprocated. The feeling alone is both beautifully painful and magical.

I hope everyone has the chance to feel the feeling of love for themselves. Because it is one of the best and one of the worst feelings in the world and the contrast that it provides in itself is enough to show you the true meaning of life. A life of love, loss, happiness, and pain. All in perfect balance.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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