Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Now I have no idea where my watch is, but it wont stop making that clicking noise. It’s somewhere in my room, I just cannot find it. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. I thought I forgot about the noise, but every time I think about it, I can hear it again. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Alright, that is IT. I quickly jump out of bed so fast I forget why I am turning on the lights. OH, I remember, THE WATCH, I NEED TO FIND THE WATCH.

It’s exactly 2:33 A.M. and I am scrambling through after single nook and cranny in my room, attempting to find my watch because it is keeping me awake. I pick up a pile of books on my desk, finally there it is! It is under Gatsby. Thank God. NOW, I can go to bed. I quickly run back to the lights, shut them off, then run to my bed. I put the covers over my relieved body and shut my eyes. Seconds later, my thoughts start to preoccupy me again. Did I do my math homework? Did I lock the door? Why am I freaking out? I carry my thoughts everywhere, but especially at night. I try to put them down, but they don’t want to leave me. Wow, my thoughts have commitment issues. Finally, 3:34, my head touches the pillow and shortly I am dead asleep. No dreams, no nightmares, just a girl and her bed.

6:15 A.M, Drops of Jupiter by Train is blasting through every corner of my bedroom. That is my alarm clock. That is the song I wake up to. I love waking up happy and alive because life is too precious not too. I carry optimism as I put on my favorite pair of tie dye pair athletic shorts and a plain black tank top because balance is key. Following, I make my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth for two minutes to any song from my playlist called “waves don’t die”because they don't. Waves do not die.

This morning I am at my mom’s house. I prefer being at my dad's, but I would never tell her that. As I walk downstairs I greet my adorable littles puppies named Mickey and Coby. By the way, Coby is new to the family, Mickey does not like they we are giving him all the attention, but he’ll get over it...hopefully. Sorry, I got off track, I do that sometimes when I’m telling a story. I just keep carrying on.

“Hey Mom, whats up”

“What is your day like today?” My mother asks me.

“I have a history presentation E block and then after to school I’m going to Livs”

“Okay, I will see you around 8:00 because I am working late and you have dance” My mother says.

“Alright, love you have a great day mom!”

This conversation is actually uncommon for my mother and I. To be honest, we do not always get along. Sometimes she yells at me to the point where it is out of control. To the point where I leave the house. She always ends up feeling bad, but does not know how to control herself in the moment. It is like she is stuck between a rock and a hard place where she does not know why she is arguing with me, but she is too embarrassed to apologize in the moment. I carry love but also hardship as I try to not fight back when my mom acts out. I am not a perfect person, but most of the time the outbreaks from my mom are for no reason, at least through my eyes.

Walking down the steep stairs to the mudroom, I look to my left and notice there is still a picture of my mom and dad hanging above the living room table. Why? I wonder. My parents are divorced, I know it’s recent, but it’s still low key weird. The divorce has honestly been pretty good, but it’s still weird. I carry stress as I worry about my little sister. I’m only here for another year, and Samantha is still going to be in college too, what is she going to do? It’s all going to work out. Life just does. It works out. I keep telling myself this over and over again.

It is now about 7:16, as I put on my seatbelt I debate over whether I am going to go get a coffee at Dunkin Donuts...the answer is yes because I have A block free! I hate being rushed, I truly do, which is why I LOVE having A block free. Before I leave my driveway, I turn on my butterfly playlist which is a combination between my “waves don’t die playlist” and my playlist entitled “MY PLAYLIST”. I carry a love for music like no other. Music has healed me in so many way (which is why I have about 7 different playlists). As I press shuffle, I am praying for a good song to come on and here we are with “Cross My Mind” by Arizona. When this song comes on I am instantly in a different world. I don't even know who or what I’m singing about but the song gets me and I get the song. The drive from my house to the Dunkin Donuts on Needham street is about 8 minutes if I get through all those green lights. Like Gatsby's green light, except in my case it’s more literal, but at times it can also be metaphorically too. As I’m pulling into the parking lot I suddenly become amazingly content. Today is going to be a good day, I can feel it. Wow, okay that was a little cliche, but who cares.

As I am in the Dunkin Donuts line, I wave to my friend Andrea. Andrea’s heart is like warm chocolate chip cookie. She has been working at Dunkin Donuts for about 3 years now, but moved her from Jamaica about 12 years ago. Part of the reason I love going to Dunkin Donuts in the morning is because I love talking to her. I love meeting people you know you will never see again or speak to on a normal basis because I feel some of those connections are the most real. You meet someone and they impact your life so much and then POOF! Maybe you will see them again, maybe you won’t. It’s crazy, it’s beautiful, it’s like Kanye West’s album “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy”, one of the special yet insane albums of all time (in my opinion). Alright, sorry I sidetracked again. Where was I? Oh, yes. I am next in line.

“Hi Andrea, how are youuu?” I ask

“Good Carly, I haven’t seen you in a while, been busy?” Andrea asks.

“Yes, school has been pretty wild lately, how about you?” I ask. “How is your life?”

“My life is good, just tired” She responds

“Yeah me too.”

“Same as usual?”

“Yes, thank you so much” I say.

My mom always asks me, “why don't you just mobile order so you can just pick it up and go?” Well mom, I love standing in line because it helps me wake up a little and I love talking to Andrea. It truly makes my morning.

7:33 A.M, I am sitting in my car waiting for an opportunity to backup. This is the time where things get busy so it might take a while. As I wait for my chance to shine (aka backup), I remember that I completely forgot to do my biology notes! Good thing my textbooks always stay in my car! I always carry with me a backup plan you know, just in case. Okay, now I can backup. Phew. I turn up Ivy by Frank Ocean and turn right on to Needham Street. When Frank Ocean says, “The feeling still deep down is good” I feel that. I truly feel that. No matter what happens throughout my life, the feeling still deep down is good. As I have mentioned before, I carry optimism but with that I carry determination. Sometimes in life things don’t always work out the way we plan, but that is why life is so precious. That's why I live everyday to its fullest extent because I can and I will. The ends justify the means, even if you cannot see it in the moment. As I turn onto Greenwood, I realize I need to put myself in school mode. School mode means focused. School mode means ready. This does not mean stress yourself out to the point where you cannot handle it anymore, but it means to work hard and put your best foot forward. I carry balance. By balance I mean doing well in school, but at the same time making time for my friends and the extracurriculars I enjoy, not just the ones that will “help me get into college.” One of my biggest regrets sophomore year is losing my social life to school. I became so stressed out that I had no time to do anything besides school and dance...barely. This year I want to focus on me. I realize I can get the 87 instead of the 88, or the 93 instead of the 95. My emotional well-being is truly the most important thing in the world because if you are not happy, then you’re doing something wrong. As I pull to a side road (so I don’t get a warning) I put my car in my park and take a deep breathe. I tell myself, “You’ve got this Carly.” I do. I really do.

Walking through the senior/teacher lot I think about what my day is going to look like. Then, I stop myself. Math is B block, focus on that. Baby steps. Baby steps. Suddenly I get a text Yes from Olivia that says “meet me at the silver tables.” My school day has not started until I get that text. I start at the silver tables and end at the silvers tables because I love routine. Now I am standing at the Wheeler door, looking at my reflection, and I think to myself, today is going to be kickass. You know why? Because the feeling deep down is still good.