Over the weekend, I went to see The Witch, a movie that was claimed by someone or another as "a horror movie of a new generation." If that isn't enough to draw you in, then I'm not sure what is. I drove out of town to see this movie, which is not something I normally do, but by golly, I was going to watch this horror movie that Rolling Stone claimed will "scare the hell out of you!" Not only does this movie claim to be terrifying, it's also backed by the Satanic Temple. Scared yet?

The Witch is directed by Robert Eggers, and it is his debut movie. It is a low-budget film, which is apparent by the random blackouts in place of transitions from scene to scene. The movie is about a God-fearing man very similar to Phil Robertson who is cast out of his village for vague reasons. William (Ralph Ineson) and his family including his wife Katherine (Kate Dickie), eldest daughter Thomasin (Anya Taylor-Joy), eldest son Caleb (Harvey Scrimshaw), and twins Mercy and Jonas (Ellie Grainger and Lucas Dawson), who travel through the countryside in place of a new home. They find a field that is surrounded by your typical ominous forest.

When their newborn son mysteriously vanishes and their crops fail, the family begins to turn on one another. The Witch is a chilling portrait of a family unraveling within their own fears and anxieties, leaving them prey for an inescapable evil. It doesn't help that the twins make friends with a random black goat fittingly named "Black Phillip" who turns out to be the mastermind behind the fears of the family. Then there is the motif of a random rabbit that suddenly appears and vanishes throughout the movie, but is never seen again after about 30 minutes into the movie. None of it makes any sense.

The movie is actually a psychological thriller that deconstructs human logos and pathos, but does a poor job of doing so. Aside from the archaic speech that had me and my boyfriend going "What did they just say?" throughout the whole movie, nothing made any sense. There is a random witch thrown into the middle of the movie that does something (we aren't sure what) to Caleb, which causes him to fall into a comatose state. He eventually awakens as if possessed by the devil or something, we still aren't sure. Then, Caleb dies. He just dies. That's it. He has an orgy with Christ, then dies. Which, we aren't even sure if that's the case because if he was possessed, he was probably rebuked by God.

On top of that, all of the children are calling each other witches, while William is lying to Kate, and Kate is mourning the loss of her family falling from Christ. The psychologically thrilling aspect of the film is supposed to be the horrifying part of the movie because how could a family be so cruel and so unforgiving to one another, but the actually terrifying parts are the naked grandmas that casually appear in random places, one of which is performing a blood rite at the beginning of the film.

The Witch is awkward and leaves too much to the audience's imagination. It's a try at Black Swan but it doesn't work. At all. The whole theater had a unison, "What the hell?!" as the movie ended with a bunch of naked women dancing around a fire, some of which were young, the main character included. My boyfriend mentioned how he felt like a pedophile leaving the theater because of the ratchetry. The best part about this movie was the guy who farted loud enough for the theater to hear right as the opening titles played. Seriously. This movie was awful.

All in all, save your money because no matter what Rotten Tomatoes, Metacritic, and all of the other "reliable"film critics say, the movie was terrible. I left the theater angry, which was the general consensus of fellow moviegoers, because it sucked that badly. If you want to watch a film that badly, go see Deadpool.