Most of us try to keep in touch with close friends whom we don’t get to see often. Alas, it’s very common for friendships to fall apart. And sometimes, the friendships we thought would last forever through middle school and high school and even college, break at the seams. I haven’t seen one of my ex-best friends since freshman year of college, and I take full responsibility for ending that friendship because I thought I needed to remove everyone from the equation to get a fresh start in college.
On another note, I’ve known my other ex-best friend since we were in elementary school. We were practically inseparable for quite a while, playing games together and sharing countless laughs over sleepovers. At the time, I had yet to understand the grasp of my developing depression and anxiety. It was during my childhood that I endured the first of many emotionally traumatic moments that I kept to myself for years to come. Despite our strong friendship, I never felt fully comfortable enough to trust her with the depth of my hardships and misery. I was struggling to figure it out all on my own. But trust is something I still find difficulty with to this day.
She had endured enough in her own childhood- anguish and distress- forms of suffering, I personally could only sympathize with and not fully comprehend. Not until much later in the intricately woven words of some of my favorite novels, did I begin to fathom more of the conflicts she faced and the suffering I spoke little of.
We had gone our separate ways, only to bring ourselves back in pieces. Fragments of time passing, and yet we tried to pretend like nothing had changed. We would smile and laugh, stuck in a bubble for a limited moment, until once again distance grew between us.
I can’t say there was ever a specific moment in which she stopped being my best friend. My other ex-best friend and I had grown closer during our time in high school, and I suppose she had bonded more with her own friends in her grade as well. From then on, I had introduced them to each other, and over the course of those turbulent four years, we merged into a group. And I am largely to blame for its downfall, in which I removed myself from the group of strong girls whom I had called my best friends for years. The blame is however not entirely my own; but it’s very difficult to cease your own destruction as your friends see it happening before their eyes, and made several attempts to pull you out from underneath the rubble of an emotionally abusive and toxic relationship.
I’ve repeated this phrase many times but the backstory is not short nor simple- when I finally graduated from high school, I lost myself. My sense of self was obliterated and I desperately needed to pull my life apart to start anew. And that included saying goodbye to the ones who were there for me the most when I needed them. I couldn’t be the friend they needed nor could I be the same girl they once knew and loved spending time with. I was overwhelmed with emotions and had endured a dark time in my life in which I lost count of the tears and couldn’t remember the last time I felt sunshine in my heart and a smile that didn’t feel forced onto my face.
Many years later, it truly doesn’t get any easier reflecting on the past. I try to avoid it and push it further back into my memory, and focus on my present and future as much as possible. Although I recalled the last time I spent with my ex-best friend fondly, yesterday we reunited after not seeing each other and rarely talking over the last two years, and I was pleasantly surprised. We bonded over new changes in our lives, and genuine laughs and smiles poured out, and the food was undoubtedly spectacular. I would’ve gladly spent the whole day with her, and I truly hope that if we get to hang out once more before the summer ends, that it’ll be another one for the books. And then, until next time.
In the end, she’ll always hold a special place in my heart as my little sister. Even though she's been taller than me for years and is not related to me by blood, the memories and bond we once shared will never leave my memory.
Here’s to the friendships worth remembering and the friends you’ll always love and care for no matter the distance.
