Losing a parent is an awakening experience. It alerts every sense in the body. It sends a shockwave through every bit of a person. Losing a parent is not just someone you love dying, it is losing a half of who you are, it’s sleepless nights, it’s spending time away from a place you once loved because the silence from not hearing their voice is absolutely deafening. The reality of losing a parent is a topic of discussion that no one wants to face. We have made it an epidemic in today’s society to not talk about the things that make us sad, but rather hold in these emotions. I’m here today to address this serious topic and to tell let people know what lies behind smiles and happy faces.

I lost my father on March 17, 2017, at 5:00 P.M. at Memorial Hospital. This moment, by far was the hardest moment I have faced. My mother and I had no idea that my father would not be walking out of the hospital with us. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment, no amount of waiting or talking to someone, nothing. Thursday night was the worst, waiting for less than 12 hours to pass seemed like a lifetime; I eventually got used to the codes being called and the reality of not being able to sleep. In my mind, I had made up a fantasy of him getting home and all three of us being happy again, but things don’t always go as planned.

Never did I expect or intend for my life to end up like this, young and without a dad. My father was my whole world, he taught me how to be brave and fight for what I believed in, he taught me how to survive on my own and be my own person, taught me right from wrong, he showed me life isn’t always as happy as people made it. I guess after a long time of trying to be as happy as I could possibly be his words finally connected to what he meant. I’m so fortunate that I was able to grow up in a strong house with two extremely hard-working, strong parents.

Personally, one of the hardest phrases to hear is, “I’m sorry.” These two words always sent me spiraling into sadness because it’s natural to say “It’s fine,” or “It’s okay.” It is not either one of these. It isn’t “Okay” or “Fine” I am broken and there is nothing anyone could have done to stop this. Now, this was appreciated, but, it wasn’t anything I knew how to respond to.

The end of this will be left happy. I loved my father and still do. I’m glad I know where he went and that he is dancing away with no more pain and he is still watching me grow and live my life. No, I won’t have a dad to walk me down the aisle once I get married. No, he won’t be there to meet his grandchildren, but, his legacy will forever live on in my heart and soul. So, he is still alive in my heart, always.