More often than not I find myself pushing myself to include myself in things. School gets most of my time, as well as other various duties, but where does that leave my time for being with friends or doing things with people?
Too often I found myself silently standing on the edge of the group, listening to plans be made or grabbing the tail end of a conversation, while being overlooked. Even if I tried to add input, it wasn’t heard or acknowledge. Even though I might have been there when the plans were made, was I invited? Did they want me to go too? Was I even supposed to hear the plans they were making?
Because of that, it was common for me to think about going, but ultimately not pushing myself to do it. I mean, no one indicated at me directly, therefore it wasn’t meant for me, right? I was on the edge, I wasn’t seen or thought of, so why should I burden or upset people by asking or just showing up?
It really took me up until this semester to realize that it was all just in my head. If someone really didn’t want me to come, someone would have told me. Me on the edge, that was with my friend group, they want to be around me just like I want to be around them, so why would myself showing up to events be a bad things?
This semester especially, I decided to make a conscious effort of asking about plans or making myself go to things when I was unsure of the situation. By doing that, it helped me realize that there was so much that I was missing out on by shutting myself up when I was uncertain or paranoid about it.
Another effect that I realized after I started doing this was that overall, I was just happier. I never second-guessed if I was wanted or bothering people. I wasn’t constantly worried about the “meaning of the conversation” or how to interpret group plans.
Taking a direction into self-inclusion helped me realize that I was there, inside those conversations, but I just wasn’t letting myself be a part of it. I was holding myself back. Through self-inclusion, I’m there, in the moment, part of the conversation, and part of the group.
