Finding my gray area has always been a difficult task for me to accomplish. I have to constantly work daily on finding a balance between happy and sad because living my life at either extreme is not healthy. There are still tough days. There are still days where I want nothing more than to be taken in the middle of the night. There are still days where I debate running my car into a tree at 100mph. There are still days where it feels like just yesterday my world was turned upside down. There are still days where enough anger builds up inside me and I have to be left alone or I am going to say and do things I will regret.
There are days where the freedom we are given in life is a little too much to handle. That's the thing about life. At any moment you have the freedom to completely change your life for better or for worse. You can shave your head. You can dye your hair rainbow colors. You can quit your job and move to a different city. You can become a vegan. You can confess your love to someone. It is absolutely exhilarating to think about the opportunities we have the chance to take. It's also quite scary to think about the freedom we have. At any moment one pull of a trigger, one bottle of pills, one jump off a bridge, one second too long under water, or one slip off a chair with a rope tied around your neck could end it all. It is both freeing and terrifying to think about the freedom we have been given. However, often times one simple yet oh so powerful freedom we have is forgotten. The freedom to pray.
I will be the first to say that my relationship with God has been a rocky one. I blamed Him for taking my mother away from me. I blamed Him for giving my grandfather cancer. I blamed Him for not giving me the answers to the questions I asked. I blamed Him for everything wrong in my life. I never once thanked Him for the roof over my head, for the food on my plate, for the clothes on my back, or for the love shown to me by others. I only complained.
Just a few months ago my dog was ran over and on the way to the vet as I held her in my arms I knew everything was going to be okay. I knew God couldn't possibly take another part of my heart away from me so unexpectedly. I was wrong. That was the moment I had a choice to make. My choice of which freedom I chose to take was put to the test. I could either pray for understanding or I could turn my back. That's where freedom becomes a little bit tricky. There is always a wrong decision to be made. I chose to pray for understanding. One of the best decisions I have ever made.
That night as I was scrolling through Pinterest I came across a quote that answered every question I had ever asked God. It stated, "God promises to make something good out of the storms that bring devastation to your life." It was in that moment of anger and grief that I knew I was going to be okay. I knew I made the right decision to trust in Him. I knew he heard my prayers. I knew he was going to carry me through this heartbreaking time in my life.
It is not always easy. Some days I still struggle to understand the why's of life. I still struggle to pray to someone for comfort that has caused so much devastation in my life. It's not an overnight process for me to learn how to just give it to God. It's not easy by any means. However, everyday it becomes a little bit more clear why I was given these trials in life.
I like to think by losing my mother to suicide I was given a purpose. I know the pain and confusion I felt, and I don't wish that on anyone. I was the girl that had to go to a therapist. A few years down the road I want to be back in a therapist's office, but I want it to be MY office. I want to be the one that talks a child out of suicide. I want to be the face of strength and bravery that a little girl sees right before she balls up that suicide note and decides to live. I want to dedicate my life to helping as many people as I possibly can. I couldn't help my mom, but I can try as hard as I can to help someone else's mother. I really feel like that's my purpose.
I do struggle to pray, but I still do it. If I don't, the freedom I'm given will consume me. I can't tell you what or who to believe in, but I can tell you without God I would be long gone. Without prayer I would be left furious and lost. So when you're having a bad day and the freedom gets a little too much, pray. Instead of turning your back, pray for understanding. Pray and pray and pray some more. It's a freedom often taken for granted, but it's a lifesaving freedom. At least for me it was.