You were one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I say this now even though we don't talk anymore, even though the way our friendship ended still hurts me just thinking about it, even though you were the only guy I ever managed to "catch feelings" for--even though we never dated. I think of you and I am grateful I had you in my life.

You were nothing like anyone I had ever met before. Everything about you was a contradiction. You wore dark clothes, listened to heavy metal, and sported the nose and lip ring. You reeked of the words "bad boy." You had heartbreaker written all over you. And yet when you smiled...your whole face lit up. You had the sweetest hazel eyes and the most honest face.

You were real.

I went to a Catholic school from age five to thirteen until I was thrown into a public high school where I didn't know anybody. I was quiet and shy (anyone who knows me now is laughing hysterically at the absurdity of me being "quiet"), and extremely sheltered. I didn't question anything I was told, I just followed it. Until I met you.

You made me question everything I had ever believed in. We argued and debated about anything and everything, not out of animosity but for entertainment. Our "philosophical debates" as we called it. Little did I know what I would gain. Little did you know how much you taught me.

You showed me how to stand up for what I believe in, even if it meant going against everything I was taught.

You showed me that it's not only okay to be different, but that it makes you special. Unique.

You showed me how to not be a conformist. I'll never forget the day you called me that. It's helped me through many decisions.

You showed me that we spend our lives in boxes, that our cars, our houses, our jobs, are all little boxes. You never wanted to stay in a box.

You showed me what I want in a person. I want someone who challenges me, who makes me think, who can talk to me about anything and everything and never stop, who sees me the way you saw me and not how everyone else does.

You showed me the consequences of not taking a chance when I should have. Missed opportunities can equal lifelong regret.

You showed me what it was like to feel something, the only time I've ever genuinely felt it. At least now I know I'm capable of it.

I think of you now, seven years since we met, three years since we stopped talking, and I smile. I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm sad, but I smile, because I think of my friend. I think of the guy in all black who was waiting outside of the girls' locker room for me, surrounded by girls but then smiled when he saw me. I think of the guy who still stayed my friend even after he told me he loved me and I got scared. I think of the guy who I could talk to for hours, who always made my complicated thoughts simple in the way they needed to be, as if it was so obvious all along. I could use that right now. I think of the guy who always made me laugh, who was too smart for his own good--who I miss more than he could possibly know. Even writing this can't fully establish the impact you had on me.

Thank you. Thank you for helping me become the person I am today. For showing me who I want to be and what I want out of life.

The last time we spoke you said that we'll probably be friends again someday, that you'd never stop caring. It's been three years and I still haven't stopped caring. I never will. I will always carry a torch for you. It may simmer down but it will always burn. Even if now I have to refer to you as "somebody that I used to know."