During the time of the rumor that I was going to shoot up the school (a past article was written on this), my teachers stressed two things: that no one from high school would matter and that I would find myself in college. I worked hard and got accepted into my number one choice school but there were problems with what the teachers told me. First off, I still talk to people from high school. Just the same three people over and over, but now it will be just two after explaining what I need to in this article. The second part is completely far from what I expected. I am a legal adult and can make my own decisions, however, having the power to control my own life and what I can choose to do and not do is a more strenuous task than I had originally thought it to be.
With no one in high school mattering, I feel my friends do matter. I want to know what is happening in their lives, whether it be from behind a computer screen or text. One is a wonderful girl with a bright personality fueled by social anxiety. With our friendship, I helped her differentiate between what is sarcasm and what is not. Another is a beautiful woman who is very well educated and shares multiple interest with me. She was my high school best friend and with her not wanting to have kids of her own, I hope she will still want to be my surrogate mother for when I find a man and plan on having kids (whether she carries them or just donates her eggs, since she has what I find appealing in men: tan skin).
The third high school friend is someone who I had a crush on for years and leading into college. After he recently came out as gay, I finally got closure. It may not have been the answer I wanted, but at least now I know... that I don't know what I feel. Things are much more easily said than done. I can say I will get over it soon, but it is a process. My hopeless romantic inside me says that a romantic interest will speed up my healing, but I do not know. That's the fun part of life. You do not know what will happen and I honestly shed a few tears over it and the rest into music to become my outlet of bottled up emotions.
The second part of the lie about finding yourself in college has worked for many but not for me. Some here have changed majors, new and old boyfriends or girlfriends (of course being at a religions college there is a lack of same-sex couples), and found themselves religiously. I have struggled to find myself on a personal level. People around me appear to have their lives together but mine looks like blank puzzle pieces that I cannot seem to fit together. I cannot even eat three times a day because I am so self-conscious about what people think of me (being one of few open gay students on campus) that I avoid going to the cafeteria. In high school, I was a captive of my own house, bound by no car. Now in college being able to do what I want, all I want to do is hide away in the dorm with the comfort of having no roommate, wrapped in a shroud of loneliness.
