The first time I said “no,” was when I said “no” to being popular.

This was back in grade school where I was part of a really small class, at a Catholic school in the city. Looking back I realize how much more dynamic and controversy and drama and gossip and a list that just goes on and on and on when you are surrounded by the same, very small group, every day, for a good 10 years or basically so. I can’t believe how much we all thought we had to deal with then and how we all thought we had it all together and were the coolest ever. Thing is… we all thought we were the coolest ever, but only within our secluded groups… never as a whole. Grade schoolers can be really cut throat.

I played sports all throughout grade school and I was good at them.

Because of this I was always really chill with the guys in my class because not only could I walk the walk on the court or the field, but I could talk the talk because I knew a lot about sports in general like teams, their players, their stats and such (and I still do so fellas if your looking for a guys girl hit me up I’ll ring you at sports talk any day). I was really chill with all my teammates and everyone in general in the class. I didn’t have any enemies or feuds and I knew I sat pretty high up even though I considered myself to be any other normal, regular kid. At lunch, I sat with a table full of all the pretty girls that everyone liked, most of them played sports too, and we all just thought we were all pretty cool.

We were the popular kids. Although sometimes at lunch when discussions got a little too girlie for me or too gossipy I would look over my shoulder to a table across the room where three girls from our class sat… alone… exiled. One of them had been my bestest friend since pre-k and always was going to be, but as we got older we fell into our own clicks based on our own interests and ranks if you will on where we stood with everyone in the class based on popularity, so we just didn’t really associate if we were next to each other in any other class or unless we were hanging out outside of school. Looking over at them they just seemed to be so at peace and content with themselves. They talked about goofy things and random things and weird things and nerdy things, which is why they weren’t included at our all-girls table, but man did they look like they were having fun. Anyone could tell that they were close and that they weren’t afraid to be who they were.

I thought I was doing everything right. I thought that I was happy. And I thought that everyone liked me. But as everyone knows… popular kids like to gossip and spread rumors and act like they are being your friend, make you think they are your friend, but then they go and stab you in the back so they can get higher than you. I knew that was happening to me by some of the other girls. Because I was so cool with the guys and was basically a guy myself I wasn’t really good at being feminine and if I liked a boy, I seriously struggled to know how to handle that. I was one of those girls that would beat you up and be mean to you if I had a crush on you because I didn’t want you to know I liked you. No way. Gross! I hated your guts! That’s why as cool as I was with the guys, some grew to possibly be scared of me. Whoops. Hey, I grew out of it… Well kind of… Now I just don’t talk to boys at all and just try not to sound stupid while talking to them, or try not to blush or make any kind of eye contact what so ever… Yeaaa I’m 21 now and this ain't looking so good for me…

ANYWAYYYSSS back to grammar school. So because I was so bad with boys I liked, I did get better at the mean thing, but even so every time I told one of the girls in my group who I thought was my friend or any time they just found out, this one particular “Queen B” little Pre-Madonna who was always trying to beat me in everything (because yes, by this point low key feuds and enemies were forming… popularity… ugh it’s so much hard work to maintain!!!) would go to the boy I liked, tell him I liked him, would make him laugh at me and make fun of me, and then would steal him from me! Now you guys understand why I’m scarred?!?!

Slowly as I saw this happening with me, I realized it happening all the time, behind the scenes with the popular group and all the time at lunch now…Every. Single. Damn. Freaking. Day the same thing would happen over and over. Drama this! Gossip that! Shit talking here! Shit talking there! (Oh wait this is supposed to be in a Catholic grammar school setting… Sorry Jesus for all the S***s, but it’s still true!) I was getting so sick of it and I was just bored with myself and for such a young age, I just didn’t feel like myself. I kept looking over my shoulder. I would make eye contact with my best friend and she would smile and wave at me and I would just sadly turn my head and put it down to stare blankly at the table… One day I just looked over… and I saw these three girls laughing and truly enjoying themselves… and I just got up. Walked over. And sat down with them. Without even realizing I had done so... I walked away from being popular. I said “no” for the first time to being popular and for the first time I saw who I wanted to be. I realized where I wanted to be. And that was amongst real friends whom I could be my true self with. My true nerdy, weirdo, tom-boyish self and not be judged or made fun of for it. Well that’s a lie because I went through a lot of backlash and shaming from the popular girls I had left at my former lunch table, but because I had said “no” to being popular, I had learned to not care about those kind of things anymore or what anyone had to say about me. Those popular kids, I realized, were nothing but a bunch of bullies and that is not what I stood for and I learned how to stand up for myself and others who faced this. I became my own kind of group. My own kind of person.

From then on out I had always said “no” to being popular. It’s a talked up life to live and in the end what do you really have or get out of it? This will always be the best decision I had ever made. I've learned so much about myself and am so much happier, free, and independent to lead whatever life I want to lead. I don’t need a million friends or need to feel the need to be included. I have one bestest friend who does everything for me and is always 110% real and true to me and I’ll never to turn my shoulder away from her ever again.

I know about being popular. It seems so cool to be with all the cool kids, I get it. But you can only be really cool when your with real people who make you genuinely happy and don't feel the need to put down others just to get ahead and to fight for attention. That's all so temporary. What's left after all that's gone?

Say "no" to being popular, you just might find who you really are. Who you really want to be. I did.