I am among the many women in the United States suffering from BBS. Otherwise known as Big Boob Syndrome. Those of us suffering from BBS may experience back and neck pain, under boob sweat and itchy eyes (from all the sweat and tears). Why the waterworks? Because putting on a bra can be an emotional roller coaster and a workout wrapped up into one super fun package. So I bring to you the emotional stages of putting on a bra.
Step 1: The Big Choice
Probably one of the hardest parts of this process is choosing the bra you want to wear. Should I pick the Victoria's Secret Dream Angels bra that makes me feel like a goddess, but I slip out, or that ratty old department store bra you've had probably since you were fifteen and you don't quite have the support or fit you used to. There really is no perfect bra, so you have to choose what part of your body you want to loose the blood flow to today. Either that or if you want to be rocking grannie jugs.
Step 2: The Clamp and Twist
Once you have chosen your fate you begin the tango that is getting the bra on. Struggling for air as you try to put those tiny hooks through the loops in a way that allows some oxygen into your lungs. Then having to wrestle the clamp to the back of your body fighting against boob sweat and body fat.
Step 3: Adjusting and Straps
Then you have to scoop each breast into it's respective cup, sometimes several times. The right balance is always hard to achieve. You can't be blossoming out of the top and you can't have the bottom of the boob pinched by the underwire. You need some happy medium between the two before you strap up. Once you stab your underwire into your armpit several times trying to get those straps up you have to adjust the tightness so your boobs don't choke you or make you look like you grew a butt on your stomach.
Step 4: Reversing Step 3 to Put on Deodorant
Because inevitably you will forget, and trying to apply it with the bra on risks the underwire making craters in your deodorant causing crumbly white mess. Nobody wants crumbly white deodorant mess.
Step 5: Choosing Another Bra Because You Hate This One
It's halfway off already anyways so why not. I hate this bra anyways. Imma wear a sports bra and a baggy shirt and pretend my boobs aren't melting off of my chest.
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