For the past couple of weeks there has been this feeling that I've had. This feeling that sits in the bottom of your stomach and you don't know what, who, or why it is being triggered. And the worst part about it is that I get it all the time, but there is no special cure. It just goes away without even thinking about it, yet is always quick to come back.
I am a huge advocate for journaling (obviously, I'm pretty much doing that right now, as I do with every article), taking breaks, listening to not only your body, but your mind as well and taking the time to know what you need in any specific moment at any given time.
So, I would do just that. Do these tactics help immensely? Of course. But are they temporary? Sure are. These little things to do when I would get this feeling are great, but they were only fixing the little things, not the big picture. And that was the problem; I still didn't know what the big picture was.
In these couple of weeks, I have also struggled with figuring out what to write. I brainstormed so many things, but nothing felt right at the moment. I would type a paragraph or two, and then be done.
With all of these build ups of roadblocks occurring, it really made me want to find a solution even more than ever before as to why I was feeling this way, when everything is perfectly okay around me.
Every morning I try to write down 10 things I am grateful for. Instead, one day, I tried writing down 10 things I felt like were missing from my life.
First of all, this was HARD. No one ever wants to sit down and think about what is missing. But, that's the point- not everything in life can be fun and perfect and wonderful and great, because if you can't be real with yourself, there is no way you're going to be able to be real with anyone else.
One of the things I wrote down that stood out to me the most was, "feeling a gap with myself and God." Getting myself to write this down made me feel terrible to say the least. I have grown up my whole life reading the bible, going to church, leaning towards God when times were tough, and not to say I don't still do these things, but I sure do not do them enough, or as much as I used to.
There is an analogy that my pastor has always used, and I remind myself of it quite often:
"We all have an imaginary bucket. We walk around with it every day and take it wherever we go. This is the bucket that God uses to give us blessings. Unfortunately, this is also the same bucket that the devil uses to knock over and make all the blessings God gave you, spill all over. More times than not, once this bucket gets knocked over, people cover it, and hold it tight, in fear of it getting knocked over again. The problem with this though, is God then cannot give us more blessings."
We live our whole lives trying to protect ourselves and our hearts in fear of others or factors in our lives that may not always "go our way". This is also called not trusting God. As hard as it is to believe, we cannot protect ourselves, by ourselves. God is the only one that can protect us from everything out there, and if we're hurting, or feel like God isn't there in that moment, he still is, every step of the way, even if it might not seem like it. We are going to have to go through struggles in life because we are human, but that doesn't mean God isn't there still holding our hands through it ALL.
Sitting here writing this feels good to know that that feeling I always felt, the feeling of anxiety and fear- not to say that it is gone, but it is being taken care of by someone far greater than myself. Sure, will I still get that feeling? Of course. But now, knowing that there is someone else in my corner cheering me on even through the tears and stress of life itself, is something worth celebrating. Knowing that a God, a being that I serve, will always be there for me and will see my failures, what ifs, and I cants, as: future successes, positive outcomes, and yes you cans.
Here's the thing. We cannot do life alone. Ever. Whether it is God himself, or people in your life that God is speaking through, we need them, because if we tried to go through life alone, we would find ourselves with that feeling in the bottom of our stomachs forever.
So, GIVE YOURSELF GRACE. Know that it is OKAY to be yourself, every day, good or bad. And give it all to God. Because he is far wiser and more capable of handling certain things in our lives than we ever will be able to.
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