I must admit, before I met you, I had no idea what a narcissist was. I was so naive and at the time took pride in my ability to always see the good in people. It wasn't until I had been with you for nearly 3 years, that I finally discovered your true self.
We are complete opposites. Your need for admiration and your sense of entitlement worked well with my empathetic side. Looking back now, I can see all those conversations where I stroked your ego only helped strengthen your control.
I listened to you tell stories. These stories were always about how much of a victim you had been in your life. Your terrible childhood, ex-girlfriends who had hurt you, It took years for me to realize that these stories weren't true.You took small pieces of the truth, and twisted them to victimize yourself. They were how you drew people in. How you gained control from their pity, and enabled yourself to manipulate them. It worked.
You made yourself out to be this wonderful person, who was capable of great things. The truth is, you're only capable of destroying the people around you. You took pieces of me, and destroyed them so strategically that I didn't even notice it was happening until it was too late.You broke my self worth, my pride, and you drained me. You drained me of all of the goodness I had to give. I put absolutely every ounce of love, and energy that I had within myself into loving you. I did everything I knew to do, in attempt show you love, to be who you wanted and needed me to be. I loved you so unconditionally. I just knew that eventually you would see how much I loved you. That you would see that I was worth loving back. But, instead the more you broke me, the less use you had for me. The harder I tried, the less of you I had.
1 year ago I found myself in my bathroom, alone, crying and broken. The thoughts that were going through my head were far too dark to relive. You had successfully separated me from all of my friends and family. You had insured that I had no one, and nothing of myself left. In that moment I knew I only had 2 choices. One, I had to rid my life of you, and start attempting to regain control of my life, and rediscover the girl that I once was. Or two, I knew if I stayed that I would end up doing the unthinkable. It was a new low in my life. Had you asked me even 1 year prior, I would have told you I didn't understand how anyone could get to such a low point in their life, that those thoughts go through their mind and seemed worthy of being there. That day I chose myself. For the first time in 3 years, I chose me!
You did not like that. In fact, as the days went on and I started regaining my footing, was the first time in months that you showed interest in me. You were losing the control that you had worked so hard to gain, and you wanted it back. This time it didn't work. This time I won. This time you knew I was going to win, so you attacked other peoples perception of me. I was crazy, I was a cheater, I was a terrible person. I chose to be okay with that. Even if they never learned the truth, I chose to swallow my pride, reminding myself that those people didn't matter. They were just you attempting to win, again. and I couldn't allow that to happen.
over the last 12 months I have focused on me. I have started remembering who I was before you, and while there are pieces of that girl I have managed to find, the truth is you forever changed me. I will never be the same, innocent and naive girl that I was when we met. I will never be so foolish as to believe that everyone is worth loving.
Honestly, I have learned so many things from you...
I have learned what I want out of a partner.
I have learned to love myself
I have learned to see through empty flattery.
I have learned to value people who can admit when they are wrong.
I have accepted that I cannot please everyone.
I have learned how to set firm boundaries.The only person who should be pushing my boundaries is me.
I have learned that I am far more capable than I had ever believed
I have learned just how strong I really am, I survived your trauma. That makes me a warrior.
12 months in I have finally gotten passed how angry I was with you. Let me tell you, I was so damn angry. Now, I just feel sorry for you. Even more so, I feel sorry for your future victims. You will never be capable of truly loving someone. You live a life of pure self destruction. My heart sincerely breaks for you. Your friends, family, and future spouses are all simply just prey to you. The smart ones have already distanced themselves from you, but the others keep finding themselves in the path of debris that you always leave behind you.
Those people will have their own stories to tell. But for me, that chapter in my life is over, and I can now start to share my story, and my experience. Loving you hurt, but I hope that in some way, I will be able to help someone with the knowledge and life experience that I gained from loving you.
This letter is for you, you know who you are. You were the worst, and best thing to have ever happened to me. Only someone who has been in my shoes knows what I mean by that. BUT, I am better for having loved you. I am wiser for having been broken by you. While I may not be ready to date again yet, I do know that my next relationship will be so much healthier thanks to the lessons I learned from you.
Like a Phoenix rising up from the ashes, I am a new, better, healthier and more beautiful version of myself. Thank you for breaking me, so that I could find this side of me.