A few weeks ago I wrote an article on suicide and I mentioned that no matter how well you may think you're doing in life, those thoughts can still creep back into your mind at very random times throughout the rest of your life. Well, ironically this past weekend those thoughts hit me out of nowhere and almost ended everything I worked so hard to accomplish.
I took off my seatbelt, pushed my gas pedal to 134 mph and every cell in my body wanted nothing more than to run my car over a bridge. The fear of not succeeding with what I was setting out to do is the only reason I'm not lying in a funeral home right now. I made it back to Clemson but my roommate knew something was wrong and that I needed to talk to someone.
Thankfully this wasn't the first time this happened and I knew exactly who to go to.
Monday morning I left my statistics class, hopped in my car, and headed back to a place full of people that have always said they are there if I ever need them. But there was one person in particular that I knew would always have my best interest at heart. So I want to personally say thank you for that. Thank you for reminding me that I'm loved more than I know. Not just by my family but by you and so many other people at that school. Thank you for always going against what I beg you to do because you know that my "I'm good" combined with a tear-stained face just doesn't add up. You know those words mean just the opposite.
I cried and pleaded so hard for you not to call my grandma and get her involved. But flashback to three years ago when all this was first happening you did the exact same thing this time around. You grabbed the phone and said we would do this together. You said you wouldn't know what to do if you were to let me leave your office knowing what I had just told you I was capable of. You said you were going to be selfish because you wanted to see me succeed. You wanted to see me walk across that stage on graduation day at Clemson with a smile across my face. You knew I was going to do amazing things in life.
I couldn't bear to tell the mother that had already lost one child to suicide that it was happening again. So you told her what I couldn't. It was at this moment that she said she couldn't lose another one that I realized I was the one being selfish. You said it yourself that I knew too much about suicide. I know how these thoughts work and I knew I was strong enough to overcome them. I think it was just at the point that I didn't want to be strong anymore. I was mentally exhausted. In a moment of missing my mother and knowing what the next few weeks of college had in store for me, I became weak and just wanted to take the easy way out.
I walked into your room and said I just came to say hey. But we both knew I didn't drive four hours just to come to say hey. As I was sitting in my statistics class I could feel tears running down my cheeks and I knew right then it was bad this time. Three years ago I would have let these thoughts take over my life, but I knew better this time around. I knew I didn't want to die. I knew I had a slew of people at that school that was there whenever I needed to talk, and three people in particular that I trusted more than anyone else. So I didn't think twice about what my next step had to be.
But then you said that this would happen again during each major event of my life. Normally those words would scare me, but with the support I have behind me I know I can overcome this each and every time it tries to bring me down. I'll look back on this time in my life and be so glad I never gave up. Sometimes it's not about getting over something, but rather just learning how to live with it. There are so many times that I just become consumed in this sadness and I forget the good that exists in my life. I guess I just needed someone to remind me of that. That's where you came in.
I don't need to recap everything that was said in that room, but just know I walked into that school on the verge of tears and I left with a smile on my face all because of you. You said you hoped I didn't hate you too much, and I said just a little bit. But in reality, there's no way I could hate someone like you. Someone that drops what they're doing and helps someone that they have no obligation to help anymore. Usually, people leave their problems at work, but four hours later you were messaging me making sure I made it back to Clemson okay and that I could call you for anything anytime. I could never hate someone that cares what happens to me that much. So from the bottom of my heart, I truly thank you. You got me to Clemson and you're still getting me through it.
The events that took place on Sunday afternoon could have ended my life. Instead of my grandmother texting me goodnight and that she loves me, she could be planning a funeral for me. Instead of reading this article, you could be seeing a post that I've passed away. I could be lying in a casket while a crowd of people going through a line to tell my grandmother how sorry they are for her loss. Instead of getting to struggle writing an English paper with my roommate, she could be crying that I'm not there to walk to class with her each day anymore. Instead of coming back to the high school every few weeks to aggravate you and Locklear, I could have never got the chance to walk through those doors again. Without you, I don't think I would have lived past this week. But I know I would have regretted it as soon as my car made the impact.
You weren't just someone that helped me make my high school schedule. You are one of my biggest assets in finding the support to optimize my success both academically and emotionally. So, once again I thank you. Anna Harvi lucked up when she got you as a mother. If you can care about a student this much, I can't imagine how much you could care for your own daughter. I'm more than thankful to have you in my corner whenever I need you.
I love you more than you know.