Dear Ms. Lady,
From the bottom of my heart, I would sincerely like to thank you for bringing it to my attention that you are not a fan of my tattoo(s). Had you not said out loud in our first encounter that you hated my tattoos, I could have gone my entire life without knowing your opinion. I am so thankful for this, truly, from the bottom of my heart (I do not have a tattoo there). I am writing you this open letter so you continue to spread your pure and utter joy throughout the world by criticizing others. I am forever blessed to have gained this knowledge from you.
Thank you for telling me that I will not be 19 forever because until you said that I was under the impression that I was immortal. Edward Cullen did it so why the hell could I not do it? I was so naive to think I would look this way forever. Although 100% of people change appearance with age, I thought that I was the exception. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, while I burn my tattoos off my own flesh as I type this.
Thank you for making me question, "Why did I need these on my body forever?" Before you asked me this question, I thought I had my answer. I thought that answer was, "Well each one means something to me. It reminds me of overcoming a struggle, a connection with my best friend, and it is a constant reminder of what matters most in my life and what I am working towards." I now realize my answer really is, "Because I am selfish and trashy and want to piss off 50 year old women with my self righteous ways." Thank you for making me realize that no matter what meaning my tattoos have, it is all about making you comfortable for this 15 minute conversation.
Thank you for the question that followed that one, "Why did I get it in such an obvious place?" As I said before, prior to this conversation I thought it would be something along the lines of, "Because every time I glance down at my arm it makes me smile knowing I made my friend smile." You made it apparent to me that the real answer is, "Because I want attention in any way shape or form. I'm actually begging for it. I desperately wanted a bitter old woman to see this and feel uncomfortable." Sometimes at work I find my all too obvious and repulsive tattoo to be a fun conversation starter. I now realize it is like walking around with a "kick me," sign on my back, humiliating.
Thank you for informing me that I'm going to want it removed in a few years. See as an adult, I thought out these tattoos...or so I thought. I planned my tattoos for years before I got them done but I now realize that is shot to hell because this random lady told me I will definitely want them removed soon. Making the appointment a few years in advance to save my spot because according to her, me and all the other millennials will be lining up to get them removed. Thank you, Ms. Lady, for allowing me to finally be an adult and make the appointment to get this blasphemy removed in advance.
Lastly, thank you for making me feel super uncomfortable for a definitely necessary confrontation. You could have done the difficult thing and noticed my tattoos, nodded, and walked away. But you took the high road and chose to help me and tell me what a mistake I had made with my own body. I will never be able to truly thank you enough for your sacrifice.
Yours Truly,
My right arm is soaking in acid hoping to get this monstrosity off.
Since satire and Facebook never mix, this is satire. Stop telling people they're going to regret their tattoos. If they do regret them, they will decide that on their own. When I'm 80 with a faded, messy tattoo on my back I'll smile and remember being 19 and stupid and getting this tattoo that hurt a lot. Never asked for your opinion, Ms. Lady, none of us entitled millenials did.
