Good news, ladies, feminism is cancelled and we have finally achieved the epitome of equality. Lady Doritos have been created and women can truly have it all.

Amidst all of the chaos and turmoil present in today’s society, ranging from a failed presidential candidate to the rapid effects of global warming, nothing has brought me more peace of mind than knowing that Doritos has prioritized the importance of me being able to fulfill my social responsibility of living up to my gender role as a woman. 2018, I present to you the Doritos re-engineered specifically for us women.

As a young woman growing up in the 21^st century, the obnoxiously tiny box that society tries to fit women in is unbelievable. It’s as if the world would combust if a woman didn’t make every effort to strive to be as dainty, feminine, and respectable at all times. How could I ever fulfill my purpose as a human if I didn’t ensure that the way I was eating my cholesterol saturated snack wasn’t geared to help me maintain my ladylike reputation?

Have no fear, Doritos has our back, ladies. Now we can enjoy our snacks in a demure manner, minimizing our presence even more! Isn’t it a dream come true? Yes, you guessed it. It is also going to be packaged in pink plastic, be made to fit in our handbags as snuggly as possible, and ensure that we are being the best ladies we can be.

Let’s all be real here for a second. Doritos are obnoxiously loud to eat. They cover your fingers in an oddly orange tint, making your fingertips smell of a taco bar for hours, all while breaking into a million pieces after one single crunch of a chip. (I mean, doesn’t that appeal to all of us in some way though? It’s all a part of the true Dorito experience!)

Rather than making it a goal as a company to try and redesign the chip itself, the bosses at Doritos concluded that true issue at hand is that they haven’t created a “lady-like” version of our delicious corn chip snack. Because quite frankly, as women, there is no bigger injustice than not having the crunchiness of our chips specifically tailored for our delicate, lady mouths.

Seeing advertisements like this make it so obvious how little progress we have made. This isn’t the first piece of advertising that has been geared to separate genders in a hopes to appeal to women in an obnoxiously sexist manner. It reinforces this ideology that women should not be heard, should not be messy, should settle. It’s this ridiculous attempt to reach at any grasp to make it so women remain these delicate, frail, demure creatures. It’s sickening.

Thank you, Doritos. Thank you for helping me realize that every time I snag a bag of Doritos, I will ensure that I rip that bag open as loudly as humanly possible. Every single chip will be crunched as loud as possible, echoing from every corner of every room that I step into, loud enough to drown out the sounds of the rubbish that spews from sexists, mansplainers, and complete morons, like those who create gender-geared snacks. I will lick the orange tint from the Dorito chip powder from my fingers, and I will bask in the beauty of being a woman and throwing the bird to your attempt at trying to reinforce gender norms.

It’s 2018. Women, just as much as any other human, deserve to enjoy our corn chips in peace. So for the love of all things good in this world, lay off my snacks and focus on things that matter. And, get your hands off of my goddamn Doritos. Let me crunch in peace.