I realized today that I have a particular understanding of something that not everyone has the displeasure of having. This is a touchy subject, so I advise anyone reading that there may be a point when you want to stop reading and that's okay.

I have been "gifted" in life to experience suicide from both perspectives, left behind and wanting to die.

November 5, 1995

I didn't want to leave him. I was only 6 years old, but apparently my heart knew something was wrong. Mama knew I didn't need to stay there, though she couldn't tell me why. She could feel it too. She even found someone to come sit with him while we were gone, with explicit instructions not to let him be alone behind closed doors. Don't let him shut you out. She didn't listen.

He prepped for it. Home made weapon. In my young age, I can't remember much more than the flashing lights from the rescuers and my mama collapsing. I could hear the heartbreak and agony in her screams. I was rushed off to a neighbor's house, but we could still hear her from inside.

I can't remember much about him, except how much I loved him. His decision to die, shattered my childhood and shaped every bit of who I am. His choice. HIS CHOICE to take his life, took mine too. Therapy. There was lots of that. Hurt? More than you could ever imagine. I blamed myself. Little 6 year old me. It was my fault he died, because I left. Do you understand the amount of damage that can do to someone, especially that small. His choice, this one event has affected every single day of my life since. His hurt, that he could no longer bear to carry didn't end. It was passed along, to a little 6 year old girl. Not to mention every person in his life that loved him. I've carried his pain every day of my life, and I can't get rid of it. It's always there, lingering and looming; waiting for the world to end.

June 14, 2019

I begged him to stay. He was destroying my whole world. Almost 12 years, TWELVE, and all of a sudden he doesn't love me anymore, not enough to stay. Not enough to work it out. Nearly 12 years of my life totally and completely in love with him, accepting every part of him the good and the bad, and never wavering from the desire and belief that we were forever. Soulmates. I never had any indication it was coming. My world was shattered. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't stand to look at my kids. I was no good for anyone. All my hopes and every dream I'd dreamed for 12 years, ripped out from under me. For weeks, I was useless. Couldn't do anything but cry, and scream, and sleep. I was drinking just so I could sleep.

When I continuously went through each day wanting it to end, and woke up every morning wishing I hadn't; I knew I needed help. I wanted to die, but I knew better than to believe the lies my head was telling me. I went, I found help. I wanted to die, but I didn't let myself.

Everyone always says that they push through for their kids, and as much as I'd love to tell you that lie, I'm going to be as real as possible. They made it worse. All I could see when I looked at them was him, and the life I wanted for them. GONE. Are things still hard, does everything still suck? Absofuckinglutely. Do I love the life I'm living? Not really, very few parts of it are good at all. But I'm living, carrying my own pain. Not forcing it on others, and the ones who love me.

I've been on both sides. Pain is pain. Whether or not you love the people in your life enough to stay, don't forget to think about the people who love YOU. They want to help, they just don't know how. Our lives get so caught up in the daily, that many times we forget to check on the ones we truly love, believing that they'll reach out when times get tough.

We don't. Reaching out is the hardest thing to do when you're already feeling like you don't deserve to walk the Earth anymore, when you feel like not a soul cares.

I said all that to say this: Don't let the lies that your brain is telling you take you away. How you're feeling right now, is just that... how you're feeling RIGHT NOW. Death is a decision you can't come back from, and the pain doesn't go away. It's just magnified and shifted to the people who love you. It's a cycle that can only be stopped by stopping. Stop letting your brain lie to you, you're magnificent. You're worthy. I can't promise that things will get better, but I can promise you that there's always hope. Even in the darkest places, there's still light. You've just gotta be willing to hold on and find it.