I don't feel like it.
I've heard myself say and think this phrase too much these past few restless weeks. I'm tired from school and work. I'm tired from going non-stop. I don't feel like praying or reading my Bible after a mentally and physically exhausting day. I just want to lay down and watch Netflix. I don't feel like it.
The verse "Prone to wonder, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love" from "Come Thou Fount" pops into my head as I'm sitting at my desk writing this. Oh, how true this is. My selfish heart, prone to serve only myself, aches with guilt and sorrow. My stubbornness steals my joy more than I would like to admit. I've just finished spending alone time with the Lord, and I already feel ten times better than I have the past few weeks of not spending enough time with Him. I feel foolish for the time I wasted not with Him. The time I spend with the Lord is more precious to me than anything; how foolish I am to not feel like doing it.
In my alone time, I was journaling, and wrote, "Teach me the importance of prayer, Lord." Then I thought "Teach me to not be lazy, Lord." But then, I thought, this is something I may not want to learn. Definitely something I need to learn, but I may learn some things that I don't actually want to, which scared me. Some things, if I'm honest, I'm a little afraid to ask of the Lord, because I'm afraid of what He will teach me. Even though He knows what is best. Some lessons are hard to learn; and through these thoughts, the Lord revealed just how high my level of selfishness is. And it disgusted me.
This also makes me realize just how grateful I am for the Lord's mercy, forgiveness, and love. There is truly nothing compared to Christianity. In Romans 8:38-39, Paul says "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." I am so thankful for this truth. He is faithful, and grabbed my attention and changed my whole outlook with a few moments alone with Him.
So, Lord, teach me to not be selfish. Teach me to not be afraid to learn from you, even if it's something I'm not so sure about. Teach me to want the things you want and hate the things you hate. Teach me to become more like you every day. Teach me to be a vessel for your Kingdom. Teach me to desire you more than anything. Teach me to number my days, that I may gain a heart of wisdom to fulfill your purpose for my life. Teach me to never want to stop learning more about you.
Teach me, Lord, I'm willing to learn now.
