I have battled for years with my weight. I have been on both sides of the spectrum. I was once underweight to the point doctors were threatening to put in a hospital for anorexia and gave me shakes to drink. I am now what the doctors consider "obese," some even say "morbid obesity." It's hard reading doctor's notes explaining that I walked in looking obese. Not that I walked in clean, well-groomed and smiling, but just plain obese.
I am 5'6" 250 lbs; my BMI is over 40. So, at every doctor's appointment, I get asked the same questions about what I am eating, and what kind of activity I do to lose weight. The scale and I hate each other, well it may be a one-sided hatred, but it's depressing standing on the scale, especially when I feel I have worked hard for a good three months in between appointments. My body is not where I want it to be, and stress does not make it better.
I am healthy for the most part. I have asthma, scoliosis, and depression. All of which are controlled. Just recently my body has changed and forced me to change my whole lifestyle back and forth. At one point I was only living on jello and water, I could no longer eat gluten, meat, soy, peanuts, tree nuts, dairy or shellfish, some of which I still can not eat. I have an esophageal motility disorder and esophageal spams. This causes me not to eat a lot of foods, and until my sister told me about carbonated water, I had to drink sodas behind every meal. Many people are surprised the pounds have not melting off me, so am I for that matter. But it's not about the weight for me, not anymore.
I haven't changed much, others who have motility disorders say eat what your body allows you to eat. I eat what my body tells me to eat. I can feel the difference in my body. I have more energy, I have a different mental clarity, and I sleep better. My body is able to move without pain because I am treating it better. Being proud of any weight that comes off and having a positive image of myself regardless of what the next person believes is acceptable. I am now loving and giving my body a break from the mean words I have said to it for so long.
Stress actually adds pounds, and sugar is EVERYWHERE, so I stay mindful of what I eat and how much, cause there is always something unexpected in foods, even eating healthy. So, I refuse to stress; I wake up smiling and meditate in positive body mantras. I think of myself with a different type of pride, and I walk with a different pep in my step. I am proud of myself.
Would I put a bikini on my body? I sure as hell would, because I am proud of what my body has been through, what my body has survived, and my body is mine. I will clothe it in whatever I feel good in. All 250 pounds of it! Perhaps one day my BMI will come down, and my clothes size will change, and when it does, I will adjust, but for now, I will love me as me.Body positivity starts in your mind. Remember just because someone looks healthy, doesn't mean they are. Don't compare yourself to others. You are so much more than that.
